THOUGHTS : INNER PEACE

I’ve always wanted to start something new without myself being around. When I mention ‘myself’ in the sentence, I mean the ME who have lack of motivation and full of self doubt in making the first move to give something new a try. Like, anything, Literally.

I was brought up to believe that everything happens for a reason. God always has a better plan for us when things fall apart. But then, plans don’t matter, execution does. Nothing will happen with an idea or a great plan if you are not able to execute.

It’s so pathetic, I could have a long list of dreams and all gone in a second thinking of how comfortable already I am hiding into the four walls and one roof I put myself in over these years.  It feels like, I’m in a haze feeling like there’s no place in this world where I can belong. I might as well just sit and wait for another opportunity to come. Can anyone relate?

I’m still standing at the start line of a race when everyone else almost reaching the finish line. People are changing, they are evolving as they reaching, at least they are going forward into the future they dream to have. 

Then, to feel good about themselves everyone’s trying every possible way to hide their own faults and insecurities, including their true-self by making everyone else around them less than they think they are. So we lie. We lie about every single thing that would potentially make us feel less of a person. No one likes the idea of being defeated. Everybody wants to win, wants to be on top of others living up to the standard of society. 

Reflecting upon this year I’m literally wasting my time because all i know I’m not learning anything new - Or maybe i'm the one who don't take any initiative to make a step forward. I’m turning 28 and my life looks nothing like I expected – uhh how I finally woke up from living the wrong life. Sometimes we should just allow our intuition to guide us, forgetting about the reality, knowing that there must be another way out when things doesn’t go your way. 

Then it dawned upon me - If you don’t get something you wanted or you thought you deserve, then try your luck elsewhere - Just because everyone sees the same person differently. There’s certainly something about you is what other people looking for even if there’s a few disapprove of you. 

 Well, it seems Ive had a bunch to learn on inner peace, and im still learning.

Till then...

  

THOUGHT : RANDOM

It's 5.30 am. 

After 6 hours of sleep, i am welcomed by sparkling moonlight glowing in the dark and the promise of a beautiful morning to kick start my day. 

Thank God for the gift of another good night's sleep. 

If i choose to shut my eyes to the things happening around me, THAT FEELING still uncontrollably seeps in. 

But then I believe that if I am too small to make any sort of lasting change for my comfort,

I'd choose to just rely on my gut feeling and let go of the incessant worry.

Then i realized, 

It starts with me. 

So I start with myself, finding what anger and disappointment lives in me and eradicating it piece by piece. 

Gradually, things start boiling inside me. I'm burning up with anger when i finally express my emotions, then it explodes. 

Otherwise, resentment continues. 

I often have a very long thought provoking conversations with myself.

I thought i was wrong, then no, i was right, but then again, maybe i was wrong, but then i realize again i am certainly not the only one who'd end up reacting this way to a situation that's happening.  

Well, I've had a bunch to learn on inner peace. 

As for now, let's continue to be grateful for being able to sleep soundly for more than five hours every night. 

ONCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, ONCE I WAS

Once I was 7 years old, 

I was like some other kids who dread going to school pretty much every single day. I remember I have this one girl in my class, since I will always consider the one I spend my most time with to be my “best friend” but I’m pretty sure I was not hers. I couldn’t remember the details of why she didn’t feel the same and yeah it’s true that she was the one I first met and made friends with in the class but doesn’t mean that I have to borrow or rather “give” her whatever new stationery I kept in my small little wooden pencil box that I find it too cool for a student at my age.  
I hope all the mosquitoes come and fly at your ear with their high pitch annoying buzzing sound every night when you sleep.
Once I was 7 years old.

Once I was 10 years old, 

My teacher told me, “ Stop being violent or you’ll be grounded for the rest of the year”. During my first 3 years of primary I was with this teacher who didn’t quite like me and I got grounded by being ‘violent’ – yeah you read it correctly - just because I was having a small fight with this girl who ‘borrowed and later claimed that it’s hers’ my black mechanical pencil my mom bought for me a day before. I ended up sitting in front of the class at the top left corner which I don’t think it’s a logical move for punishment, never. Imagine when we were told to copy down whatever written on the blackboard. No, I didn’t get my pencil back and will never be.
I still remember your name you little thief and and i'll keep it until the judgment day comes. 

Once I was 15 years old, 

I was the one that being picked on during my first 2 years in this girls highschool, probably because I don’t have this chubby face bigger eyes good grades or whatever you need to have to get popular in school – I have crooked teeth with braces, old school glasses with the string attached to each side, somewhat 'burnt'' yeah i mean dark, very skinny, and very tall.  So again I made friends with this girl who was sitting next to me in the class whom I considered as “my another best friend” which I later found out her sister was one of the biggest gangster in school that everyone scares to mess up with. As how the dramatic scene often shown in the movie I was threatened by her sister to beat me up because she received a complaint from her sister aka “my best friend” that I didn’t buy her the zodiac tarot cards that I WASN’T even asked to.

If this can be an issue try la imagine my life getting stuck with her in the same class for the good 3 years.

Go take the elevator to the 15th floor and jump. Please.

Once I was 20 years old, 

Everybody told me “You’ll be meeting your first love when you get into college.” Trust me, 5 years of being stuck in the girls school is beyond enough. I became a different person and the centre of attention for some reason when I first joined.  I started wearing contacts, kissed my braces goodbye, re-gained my lost confidence by being selected as top 10 finalists for whatever event they were organizing during my first year in college. Lucky bitch.

Finally, my time has come.

Ive learned a new thing during my life in college.  If there’s no chemistry in between, there isn’t. Don’t feel sorry for all the guys you have ever rejected.  

Made friends with a lot of interesting people, showered with love, attention given by friends ( hurm I mean all my crush ). Yes, I love my college life.

When i was 24 years old, 

I always had that dream, to go live and work abroad all by my own, cause I know I love going outside travelling all around the world to feed my curiosity, again yes, by myself. 

The first heart break is always the worst, I’m so glad I’ve experienced it because as cliché as it may sound, what doesn’t kill you by all means making you grow stronger.

Soon I’ll be 35 years old, 

Im still learning about life, wondering if I will end up sharing my future with the one that I love, wondering if I ever had opportunity to spend my new year eve counting down in NYC watching the Time Square balldrop while kissing the one I love as the snow begins to fall from the sky.

Soon we will be 50 years old,

my best friend once told me “ we will still go for a morning jog every morning or we will be getting free breakfast from those who bail on us. “ Girls I hope you are sure and you remember our promises as we get older.

Soon I will be 60 years old, 

I wish you can still put your arm around me and give me a kiss on my forehead like how you did for the first time, reminiscing about the good old days we have shared on the front porch of our little house with our grandchildren running and chasing each other as the sky slowly turns dark.

Soon I will be 60 years old

“ Will you still be mine when we are both 60 years old ? “

Once i was 7 years old.

That's my version of 7 years.

7 years - Lukas Graham

THOUGHTS : PERCEPTION VS REALITY

Words will never be enough to describe the feeling i'm having inside at this very moment.

Nestling in an amazing coffee shop,
yeah, by myself.
I love to be alone still, something that's hard to do when you're busy with work and him.
So today i'm left to my own space,
To-finally have time to breath for a minute.

****

I awoke to a peaceful morning,
Knowing that i have this whole day to myself,
I took my time, i relished.
Most importantly,
I revived.

Flashing slowly on and off,
With a cup of my favorite morning refreshment at this small little corner of the shop on my own,
I sip, and think.
Immediately i'm hit by a series of thoughts that drag me into the reality,

 Did the reality perceive the same as the world i thought i lived in?

You fear of being weird, being left out when you can't follow the crowd or fit into their box so you spend your life trying to fit in, doing things against your will trying to please others, giving them the generic responses to receive approval from the society you wish to belong to.

So you sacrifice yourself,
To live in their dreams,
You change yourself.
You created this monster out of your own and continue to create more to be accepted and survive in a place you think how the world thinks we should be.

You created this whole thought where they didn't like you because they thought you were boring, stupid, not special.

Now you're worried.

You try to be that person you feel you should be so you try every possible way to blend in to be part of it.

You refuse to be yourself.
You have no self-confidence to do anything.
You're not proud of who you are.
You don't see yourself as good enough anymore.
You feel less and less of everything.
You want to be smarter, prettier, slimmer and better in some way to shine through the others and most importantly,
To be accepted.
You're restricted,
You're tired of acting like one of them when you're not and you ruin it all in that moment.
You feel the pressure to fit in the crowd.
You just can't be the person you want to be because of the environment they grow up in and those things they are born with you have to live without.
You know to that certain extent you gotta accept that you can never become the person you wish to become.

Is it me myself who's creating all these perceptions of reality?
Or is it what reality really is from how we perceive it to be?


What am i and what do i live for?

THOUGHT : COMPARATIVE FEELINGS

Again, someone shared something to me tonight and that somehow triggered a strong memory. This is so exhausting and it bothers me a lot i want to just keep my life simple and not think about what i could have done to change things from the past. I wish i could stop time. Truth is, it will never be again what it was. The thing is, he made it hard for me to see the light in myself no matter how strong and bright they were before. It happens too often, one day you're the happiest person ever and the next day you find yourself feeling so low and hating yourself for whatever reason.  It's not the worst kind of self-hatred anyway, but i don't ever want to make comparison and feel like i'm in a haze where nothing is important to me in the current life i'm leading.


It's just so hard to keep all the negative feelings at a distance.


I just don't see myself as good enough to just focus on what truly matters to me. Instead, i care too much about what's going on around me and as absurd as it may sound, their opinions,  and that's a killer weapon that would easily affect the choices and decisions i make in life. Everyone can just easily hate what they don't know, they dislike you, they judge you, and they hate you without any apparent reason. You feel low, depressed, isolated, and you allow your emotions to be affected, you allow it to happen, and it will continue making you feel even more difficult to feel better about yourself, keep thinking of what you could've done to alter things for the better, to what you think it supposed to be after you've wasted all the opportunities and chances to be what you wanted to be.

Oftentimes we wish to have and be like others, so we compare ourselves to someone who has all the qualities and that kind of life we admire, and we strive to make ourselves achieve better success in all ways.


Here, the jealous thoughts and feelings creep in.


You feel insecure about yourself, starting to blame yourself. You let your ego get ahead of you, sabotaging your current life forcing and pushing yourself beyond your limits. You're trapped in your own comparative thoughts. You just can't seem to focus anymore.


You lose everything, including yourself.  


You don't know what to do anymore. You achieve nothing in your life.
"If you feel low about yourself you have to do something about it." Rachel said.


I hope i have the courage to start all over again and start focusing on myself to what i really want to do.


And that's just my own wishful thinking.

THOUGHT : A BRAND NEW 2016

Has it really been 3 months since my last post? Shame on me. Reflecting back on my past year i'm psychologically flooded with memories and emotions, and i have so much to be thankful for. As the days grow even shorter and we are entering the 3rd month of the year, my only hope for this brand new year is to be more persistent in achieving my goals, find balance in my life leaving space for those i truly care about, and stop taking every single thing for granted because as dramatic as it may sound, i'm already 27 i feel like i have wasted my whole life living the opposite way of how i wanted. 

Things were so different back then. We can just simply avoid things that scare us believing that we are not old enough to deal with all kind of stress. As we grow older we are afraid of the unknown, and we refuse to change, fear of things being different from how we liked them. I'm not expecting this year to be any different but we shall learn how to start diverting the focus from ego driven perspective to what's truly valuable in life - love, joy and experience. don't obsess about what other people think and feel about you and most importantly, embrace your flaws and accept yourself for who you are.  

Hope everyone had a wonderful Chinese New Year celebration in their respective corner of the world. 

THOUGHT : CONSUMED

At this very moment I feel like having some alcohol in my system. Yes, you heard that correctly. Just because i don't enjoy alcohol as much doesn't mean i don't drink and right now I want to drink for it's effect on me - at least a temporary great relief to my mind.

I've gone from supremely angry to disappointed to the boiling point i shouted, frantically, like an animal trapped in cage i could hardly be calm myself - i'm triggered, one of the few times i burst out in anger, losing my complete composure and from there i know i am no longer being able to suppress my emotions anymore. But there's one thing's for sure, the unexpected outburst eventually leads to great consequences. 

I punched myself repeatedly in my head and couldn't find a way yet just to sleep the same night. It comes back to me without any sign of warning. I just want to be filled with good memories and fall exhausted under a sky full of stars every night or maybe it's just my own wishful thinking. 

Hope the sun in shining the moment i'm awake - if only tonight i could sleep.

As the days grow even shorter, i really want to continue appreciating gift from another day, being grateful for every morning, for possibility, and for every hope that i'm always given. 

THOUGHT : SELF-IMPOSED LIMITATION

I am very much moody, extremely temperamental you never know what I’m going to act the next second. I am temporary lost I don’t even know where I am heading to. For some people I’m a seeker seeking for adventure but that’s something I portrayed myself as who I want to be. Throughout the past few years I find myself falling then rising but only to fall again. Truth is, there’s no actual limitation. The self-imposed limitation is just an excuse to cover up the failure. Okay that’s enough and so I feel like going out, out to somewhere else due to some self imposed limitations. In the coming few months though I might want to just dominantly rely on my guts instinct to every situation I’m going to face.  

THOUGHT : DISCONNECTED

Not expressing your true emotions backfires and then you realize you're losing even more than before.

They start to feel like they can't connect with you as much as they wish they could.

When you finally open up and express your emotions, everyone's burning up with anger and then, they explode,

And that's the thing that pushes people away from each other.

The words cut like a knife, it feels like an attack,

We close up, and then we become defensive.

The more we hide the true feelings, the longer time it will take to resolve,

Or maybe, it can never be resolved.

Eventually, things start boiling up inside you,

The resentment then continues,

to create a further distance in between the two of you.

#randomthoughtofthenight


***
3 years ago...
" In 3 years time you will be drinking a cup of coffee looking at the same thing with a different perspective and start writing. "
To myself I whispered.

THOUGHT : ANXIETY

Another exhausting post. Probably because of this small part of the world already asleep and i'm the only one still wide awake at this odd hour. People say that it's completely normal to feel emotionally vulnerable when you're alone and this likely to be worst when the night comes. For this I couldn't agree more.

Because i always have problems dealing with night-time depression.

For a second i thought i have done dealing with all this shyits that have been going on for too long- i'm wrong. Physically wise I don't feel any less of a woman ( except for my flat chest i get frustrated at times for not being able to fit into my favorite dress ) besides that, i'm happy with what i have to live with or without.

To contradict myself, oftentimes i find there's so many things around me making me feel bad about myself. I'm just too focused on how i am perceived by others and constantly make changes to live up to that expectation - even if i have to change myself to someone i am not. Especially when it comes to comparing yourself to someone who seem to have it all - that's when you start to doubt yourself, your capability, everything you see, and everything you feel. You question yourself, why do people love you? What makes them stay when you feel absolutely nothing good about yourself? Why are you going through the challenges that others don't have to go through?

Getting so caught up with your own problems you feel completely low that you totally forget all the wonderful things about yourself no matter how people keep telling you that you're way better than you think - beautiful, smart, capable
 they are just too kind to embarrass me. 

I forget since when i have become very fond of comparing myself to those i think they have everything i need to feel good about myself. Being so uptight and obsessed with it, i'm now completely consumed with anxiety, dwelling on my own issues and about things that are out of control until the point i feel that i have absolutely nothing in life to live for. I have suffered from severe low self-esteem - I act like i'm strong I just don't want to seem bitter to others. Not only that, i'm having an inferiority complex, the critical stage now since the beginning it gradually moving from stage to stage. I thought getting into a new relationship would help but obviously i'm proven wrong. Oh no don't get it wrongly i love the man i'm with right now but the inner part of myself still battling with depression i just can't help.

This part of me ( and many parts )  i haven't had the chance to show him just yet fearing it would put a damper on the relationship. Part of the reasons being in this whole new relationship is to save myself from messing my own life even further. I never thought i could fall in love again when i can't even find a reason to love myself for who i am. I lie to myself all the time. I clearly know that i'm not the person i think i am. "You have to be confident to become more lovable". I'm the total opposite. I'm just getting tired of acting like i'm fine when i'm not. I'm being afraid to thoroughly unfold myself because I don't think anyone can put up with all my dramatic behavior in a relationship -

Until the day they can't stand it any longer, they leave.

I was fortuitous that i met the man i'm currently with because he physically and emotionally separate myself from all the things that are keeping me stuck inside my obsessive mind giving me more reasons to breathe and dream again.

I am guessing that nothing else i could really do other than writing it down to make myself feel a little better.

They will forever remain in my baggage,

Until the day i learn how to love and accept myself for who i really am.

Maybe you see it, you just find it hard to reveal the real me for me to face the reality.

Blessed beyond words

It starts getting better and finally i have gotten a moment to breathe from the crazy over-thinking trap that has been my life for these past couple of weeks. I don't know, I'm sorry darling, it just that i got really attached to you i find myself can't afford to lose you. The obsessive thoughts often get in the way when i'm about to reach that point of life where i think i have conquered the deep fear of inferiority but now, sadly to say, i'm here going back to square one without realizing it, once again.

Toxic thoughts creep in on occasion especially when i'm left with countless hours to occupy myself. It's so pathetic to always need reassurance in the relationship when he has been giving me all the attention i ever need since the first day we called it official ( or not really ? ) Ahh can't help because i'm sure there's nothing i can do about it. Perhaps everything is happening way too fast but one thing is certain - My heart grows fonder towards him when the days grow to be weeks, then months, and maybe years to come.

What would have happened if we never went to the party the other day?

It's 4.29am i'm so tired i can hardly think straight right now. I really need a good night's sleep after living in a different time zone for the past one full month.

3 more hours to go. I wonder if there will be anything new to say on the next post i write.

To wrap it up, i have to say i'm blessed beyond words to have you being part of my next chapter and the best part for me is realizing how loved i am by one amazing people like you.

What more could a girl ask for?

THOUGHT : CARE-LESS

Why are some people so insensitive in the sense they can say or tell you anything and expect you to not feel bad or get offended because they think they won't feel the same way as you from the things they have to say. You might think you have the right to not care about how others feel but try taking a second to put yourself in their shoes to know how it feels like if people constantly putting you down with the exact same words you're using.

I couldn't care less about what others might have to say about me but if you consider yourself to be someone somewhat important to me, maybe you should start learning how to weigh your words before you speak.

Sorry, i guess i just need to let off some steam.

If only i could care a little less..

THOUGHT : THE PHONY ME

I'm here again tonight, just when i thought i should have by now feeling more better about myself after the short escape from the hermit shell i've been self-confined in - I'm not. I can't really explain that kinda bitter feeling that my heart constantly feeds me, and now, bringing it to a whole new level of inferiority fearing that others might never see me the way as i see myself again. Or, i don't know, maybe i'm just seeing myself as someone people don't see and think the same way i think i am all the while.

I came across this statement while scrolling down my news feed that got my full attention :

"Look, i can be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and i am.I can have the most beautiful daughter in the world, and i have that.But, I'm nothing if i can't be me. If i can't be true to myself, they don't mean anything."

It's not the Bruce Jenner's transformation that i'm all concerned about.
The words just hit the nail to my current thought i can relate.
I just realized i haven't really changed a bit from what i have promised myself to do since long ago.

I might look detached and not giving a damn about the world but deep inside my heart, i really do, and at times it can be worse.

Maybe i need to know more about myself.
The first step to start with, is to identify the real enemy, yeah, myself. And now what?
Sometimes i just find myself already at this point where i don't give an F about nothing.
I can't bring myself to deal with doubting myself anymore.
All i ever feel is i have spent this 26 years i've been alive doing all the things to make myself more likable living up to others standard that makes me question myself the purpose of living when i'm starting to lose myself from what i really am - yes, i notice the overly obvious changes i've made to shine.

I'm all the while living my life blindfolded. I created this own phony world of my own because i don't like the one that i belong to. To gain something, you have to give up something and in my case, i sacrifice my own happiness hoping for something in return. Efforts sort of  paid off, I'm just being realistic to consistently keep up with the changing expectations of this society until the point i find myself hardly cope with the changing patterns any longer.

Everything is just...moving too fast.
I'm officially defeated.

To wrap this up,
I made myself a person the society wants them to be,
I just can't afford to lose myself any further.

If you found some slight changes on me, better or worse,
Please buy me a present,
That may be a good sign.

No don't get me wrong, i'm not depressed,
I just need a few shots of tequila to keep me happy.
No, i don't drink,
It just something i could think of to capture my feelings in words.

I've now got 15 minutes to go before the amnesia takes over.
And I'm now patiently waiting...

THOUGHT - THE PAST

Part of the growing up process is to be able to learn how to leave the past behind. For better or worse those are the things that shape who we are right now, and we cant rewind back nor erase the things that happened. Fact is, there's no way for us to go back and change the past. It's nothing more like a self-inflicted pain when you choose to dwell in the past and worse when you keep comparing yourself to someone in the past, obsessing over whether they are much talented, smarter, prettier, taller, then the next thing you starting to feel so dysfunctional, extremely worthless, keep devaluing yourself which leads to feelings of insecurity, jealously, inadequacy, you name it. You feel like you're lacking of something and not good enough to be loved because they have those certain attractive qualities that you have to live without. 

You just never feel good about yourself no matter what. 

I always have this self provoking conversations running through my mind, then i contradict myself, again, we don't see ourselves the exact same way other people see us, but no, we see ourselves as how and what we really are. Confused? 

Sometimes you just know it too well that keep comparing will only kill yourself and your present relationship slowly, it does nothing more than threatening you emotionally and destroying your current happiness. But hey, i just can't help. 

Ask yourself, then why do they stay? 

Holding on too tightly is purely self-harming when you have a choice to choose a happier path than staying stuck in the past. I know.  

Live in the present, everything happens and ends up for a reason. 

I care too much and wish i could care a little less than that from now on. 

And yes, I'm happy, i really am.

MY DEFINITION OF HAPPINESS

Happiness is a state of mind, it comes from inside and it's determined by what's happening within you. We always have a choice to choose, to be happy and stay positive no matter what happens. Try to spend more time to enjoy the things in life. It could involve a cup of nice of hot chocolate enjoying the soft music playing in the nice cafe, or put on your headphones listening to the songs in your playlist, or maybe, like me, start writing a journal letting out all the troubles that have overwhelmed you in life.

Happiness is all about you receiving a parcel from some random online selling website after waiting for so long,
Happiness is all about being able to buy yourself a cup of coffee in Starbucks,
Happiness is all about you get free/cheap ticket to fly to somewhere you've been wanting to go,
Happiness is all about you get FREE 5 star room to stay during your own leisure/business trip,
Happiness is all about you texting with someone knowing that he/she cares about you,
Happiness is all about you don't have to pay the monthly fee from the credit card application.
Happiness is all about you spending time alone watching the little kids running around,
Happiness is all about, yea, being able to write something that eventually eases your mind and heart.
Happiness is all about being able to play by ear using your instruments and sing it out loud the songs that you love,
Happiness is all about having everything you need.

Yeah, i know i'm tremendously blessed by god. His plans for me are always the ones beyond words i could describe. I love my life now more than i ever thought possible.

****
The sunlight remains comfortably on my face shining through the glass window where i am sitting,
Every bad things just change in an instant.

I don't want this to end too soon pretty please

MY BLOG, OOPS NO ITS ACTUALLY MY PAGE

When did i start to write journal? #diarysoboringlah I first started to write in mandarin when i was like 4, being forced by my mom and frankly speaking i hated it a lot because my mom will think that she has all the reasons to intrude my privacy reading my diary each night before she sleeps.

For as long as i can remember, i started with something like this,

Before start putting words i have to put the date and the condition of weather on the top right corner of each page, then, 

- First para - 

This morning, i woke up to a sunny day. I went to school, I met this new friend, she is the girl at school who thinks she's the boss her name is Alison, but i hate her a lot because she didn't want to talk with me.

- Second para - 

During the lesson i forgot to bring my textbook hence i got punished by teacher. So now i started to hate her. During my recess time, I got no enough money to buy the foods i like so i took one sandwich from my friend's tupperware, She cried, and again, i got punished by the same teacher. Her name is Sally, now i hate Sally also. I hate everyone today.

-Third para - 

Came back at 7pm. Mom scolded me because i turned on the tv without asking for her permission. I cried. I went back into my room and started to do my homework. I brushed my teeth at 9pm. And now ready to sleep. Good night. 

*****

And until now i really can't imagine what my mom would find of interest reading all the things of her 4 year-old-kid who writes down things that make no sense at all. 

My content is always full of different language, i campur huayu and sometimes BM because i literally fucked up all the languages since i was little i don't even have a proper language to speak because, to explain in my defence, my dad speaks england and know nuts about mandarin when my mom is the total opposite, i speak cantonese with some of my relatives ( dad's side all england and hongkong la) and i speak mandarin with most of my friends in primary school and i speak malay with my indonesian maid who used to take good care of us. Basically my each language speaking is quite koyak. #somalaysian #rojak

****

In life's toughest moments i have always found solace by putting them into words then from here I simply got addicted to writing down things happened to me each day. And then it transformed into poetry so sometimes my journal is like a half poetry. I've never shared my deep and personal thoughts and i don't think i could ever open up my heart to anyone anyway, simply cause i don't reach out much and afraid of own emotions. Hence, the journal. 

I started my own journal once but my innate laziness took over. After a several times especially when i was break and crumble and i have no way to express it out, it crashed, and then started again then until this point of time i kept writing and writing because my friends were too busy for me to even listen what i have to say, you guys are still my favorite, nonetheless. 

Growing up I have journaled extensively in different languages and it ended up too messy and too many of it i was running out of place to keep and thinking of dumping every damn one of them because really it is, either you keep, or you throw, because those are the damn things that should remain private and better left unread or unknown.

Then i started to express my own by typing it out ( PC was the only thing i frequently used back then after high school ) I put all sorta rubbish in the page then saved it in my private folder. It turned out to be, i wrote a shit loadsssss more than usual because it just easy access i can just write whenever i feel the need to. I write a lot but still doesn't mean i'm a good at it. Major overrated to call myself a writer not to mention a 'blogger'. Everything written here in my page ( but then they call it a blog ) is solely my self expression. I'm not good enough to write to educate people like any of the other bloggers do and i am not even one of them. I started my own page blog solely because i write for myself. I never struggle even for a second to get blog readers and couldn't careless about the blog traffic because i'm not updating my blog in the hope of getting more people to read, i update a new post occasionally simply because i see it as my own page to express whatever i need to and of course i'm aware of  my content might go public ( because i didn't do anything with the privacy settings ) so i will always choose carefully which one should be published and which should remain in draft. 

***

Oh there's one thing I enjoy reading back all the provoking conversations with myself in the journal particularly those written by one furious enraged bitch bitching about people that challenging her limit making her blood boiled just to live with it. Then the next thing i'll laugh my ass off reading all the badwords ive frantically put in each line, one best natural cure for anger, quite helpful ley. #soorganic #LOL

There are many types of bloggers with different styles out there providing the best up to date knowledge content and effortlessly drive traffic to their blog. And mine? Again is nothing but a personal journal writing all my own stories and experiences for myself ( and sometimes share it with my friends ) to read back sometimes in the future laughing back the terrible grammatical errors and sentence arrangement i have made during the past. It really helps a lot in lighting up my heart writing down all the bad things happened in the past and also the hard time and feelings i have been through to know how i have coped with it and made it this far to reach where i am right now. 

Cut the crap and reaching the final to conclude everything, I ain't no blogger and no writer who's good at putting extraordinary content in the page to create any WOW-some effect. In fact ME is no one who only update my page blog with my own stories unless i post shit loads of pictures after my every single trip to share with everyone my experiences and all the awesome pictures i take throughout that particular trip! 

Peace out ! 

Fuck it

Apparently the hardest thing to do in life is to find ways in sustaining the contentment and switch the perceptive in life to the brighter side as possible.

Fuck it.
I'm leaving.

Major Disappointment, Again

Feeling absolutely numb at this moment. My mind is literally blank. Not sure if that's the reaction of suppressing it or the triple dose of numbness it gives but one thing's for sure, i'm not feeling as good today. I can't bring myself to laugh at the jokes or talk to the people around me like how i normally used to, i just wish to spend more time alone to think thing through. 

I am being very selective and only talked to some sympathetic ears. I have no way of knowing if they are just being too kind to embarrass me with the usual setbacks i have faced and shared, i just want to write it out hoping to adjust my mindset back on track and focus on the present but not suppressing it underneath until the major meltdown strikes. 

To deliberately keep it as vague as possible, i concluded it by telling you here, now, it just happens to everyone particularly those who set incredibly high standards for everything and never settle for less, the more determined you are to touch the sky, the stronger the gravity pulls you from the ground, that pretty much sum up the feelings i was left with from the things i've gone through all this while. I just start to feel like i can't cope with it any longer, the continuous disappointment is too much to bear, yes, lost count of the number of same failures i've met. Sometimes i wish my dream was made of clay which able to be sculpted to how i want it to be. That'd probably save me a lot of time from walking to the dead end tunnel with all the false hopes and expectations. 

I acted like i don't care when the sorrow within is too much to bear. At least that puts a smile on my face with the unintentional rhyme that just happened. Reading my last post you may have noticed that i have contradicted myself by convincing people how positive you have to be while waiting for the good ones to come. Deep down inside i find myself just another pathetic pessimist that whines, just about anything against me that is happening around. I weigh every single possibility for a change. I may be relatively slow in showing the progression, taking considerable amount of time to put things into action, but here i am making an effort to make my first step to success, taking the baby steps, slowly, but surely, and it's always better than 100% percent of nothing. 

I just need to succeed the last time, and that all that matters. 

**

Unrelated note, suffering from gum infection tonight, boh mood + 2nd level boh mood = major boh mood tonight.

Ewwww gross take a look at my lower swollen gum. Mad painful ley. Imagine you can't eat can't drink and can't even talk properly. 

Okok some people tell me that by taking a quick glance it looks like something else but hey! lol! 

Sienz.....

Good morning to you and good night to me ! 

Count your blessings

My entire month of October has been a bomb.com because of so many positive things that have happened.

One message to sum up the whole month :Once you decide to believe something will happen and take the first step towards your goal, the whole universe will start to magically rearrange to the way you want it to be.  

But then if pessimistic days come don’t you ever forget that your god always has a better plan for you in life and it requires a little patience of yours in believing. We are already blessed since the day we were chosen by him and given a life to live as the other fortunate creatures sharing the same universe.

Cherish whatever you have to live with or things you’ve gone / going through bad or good regardless for in the end that’s your thoughts, flaws, imperfections, and life experiences that define who you are as yourself, there will be no one else like you and the uniqueness in you that set you apart from all the living things on earth.

The bottom line is, never lose hope and keep believing. 

Sorry and thank you

I walked in my room, plopped the stack of papers down infront of me and flopped on my bed to check my phone, something I always do when I come home.
Instagram - checked; 
Facebook - checked; 
online business - checked; 
tumblr - checked; 
whatsapp - all replied.

The next thing to do - thinking what I should do to kill my boredom. I've always have plans during my dayoff but this time I was really looking forward to kicking back and do nothing - a good way to recharge my battery to make myself more productive for the next coming working day.

But the fact is, I'm literally dying of boredom and feel extremely lonely ( that's a killer ! ) to spend this day at home doing absolutely nothing and here and you may have or not noticed I'm again contradicting myself, It's like me gets jealous occasionally seeing my friends are all now in a relationship yet I keep convincing myself I don't really need anyone at this point of life. Well life isn't about these all quick flings, getting the right partner is never an easy task for it's a matter of long run dealing with the right one that can make you truly happy. Everyone that I met was too perfect for me in my opinion and i choose someone for the reasons i see fit and could give me a feeling I can be totally myself but not stressing throughout spending time in giving out the best impression to lock them in a way. If you one day notice that I'm pulling the plug off something you should get a clear picture of it right now.

It's like....the fire that was once burning so bright so fiercely with the beautiful flickering flames that had soon dwindled into darkness in the heat of the moment. You might have misconceptions about me with what 'we' have done but I would rather keep the truth to myself at least now that I think of it, I know it wasn't a right thing to keep on doing and I've decided to put a stop to this.

Thanks for being a part of me growing up as a person who is now able to swerve to miss those holes in the street with a proper grip of steering wheel - to avoid all the poor surfaces and protect myself against any unnecessary dangers. Sorry and thank you, for once playing an important role adding some colors in my life. We should both move on and start looking for someone who's worth the amount of love we will be entirely giving out when those paths are amazingly aligned one day...without us realizing.