Major Disappointment, Again

Feeling absolutely numb at this moment. My mind is literally blank. Not sure if that's the reaction of suppressing it or the triple dose of numbness it gives but one thing's for sure, i'm not feeling as good today. I can't bring myself to laugh at the jokes or talk to the people around me like how i normally used to, i just wish to spend more time alone to think thing through. 

I am being very selective and only talked to some sympathetic ears. I have no way of knowing if they are just being too kind to embarrass me with the usual setbacks i have faced and shared, i just want to write it out hoping to adjust my mindset back on track and focus on the present but not suppressing it underneath until the major meltdown strikes. 

To deliberately keep it as vague as possible, i concluded it by telling you here, now, it just happens to everyone particularly those who set incredibly high standards for everything and never settle for less, the more determined you are to touch the sky, the stronger the gravity pulls you from the ground, that pretty much sum up the feelings i was left with from the things i've gone through all this while. I just start to feel like i can't cope with it any longer, the continuous disappointment is too much to bear, yes, lost count of the number of same failures i've met. Sometimes i wish my dream was made of clay which able to be sculpted to how i want it to be. That'd probably save me a lot of time from walking to the dead end tunnel with all the false hopes and expectations. 

I acted like i don't care when the sorrow within is too much to bear. At least that puts a smile on my face with the unintentional rhyme that just happened. Reading my last post you may have noticed that i have contradicted myself by convincing people how positive you have to be while waiting for the good ones to come. Deep down inside i find myself just another pathetic pessimist that whines, just about anything against me that is happening around. I weigh every single possibility for a change. I may be relatively slow in showing the progression, taking considerable amount of time to put things into action, but here i am making an effort to make my first step to success, taking the baby steps, slowly, but surely, and it's always better than 100% percent of nothing. 

I just need to succeed the last time, and that all that matters. 

**

Unrelated note, suffering from gum infection tonight, boh mood + 2nd level boh mood = major boh mood tonight.

Ewwww gross take a look at my lower swollen gum. Mad painful ley. Imagine you can't eat can't drink and can't even talk properly. 

Okok some people tell me that by taking a quick glance it looks like something else but hey! lol! 

Sienz.....

Good morning to you and good night to me ! 

Short fringe

Another day passes, I'm just doing nothing out of what I usually do before I sleep - lying in my bed putting some words in my blog with my phone. I have one huge pimple on my forehead and it has been there for quite some days I didn't dare to pop it until it ripe with the white tip formed and dang dang, ready for popping! *yummy. My skin is getting a little over sensitive ever since the day I got face sunburn so I have to be  somewhat cautious on what products that's best to use for the daily face care routine. *girlsssssss.

Side note, I've taken a jump for a super short fringe cut last Thursday and now i find it super odd I got super irritated by it knowing the fact that it will take ages to get back the same length I had before. It looks ugly on me because I have that frizzy greasy dry hair which nearly impossible to tame with whatever hair products I use. Again i find it disastrous and much hassles to either braid it or secure it with some pins everyday and for months to come looking exactly like the hairstyle of one primary school girl who used to sit cross-legged on the floor with their mom at the back getting their hair tied with a lot of bobby pins, followed by gel, then some mousse and trust me, that's the hairstyle you ll never want to have anymore in your life.

I really hate it to the core I wish I could get myself some stylish clip-on bangs and wear it every single day I don't mind. The whole idea kinda backfires because mine isn't even close to that one fringe style of this one celeb I wish to emulate. *fuck my life now I have to spend my good one month to wait till it grows for at least half inch into a long side fringe. * with the longest sigh ever....

Well my day got off to a rough start. Not that I'm complaining about my workload but these people should really come out with a good time management and equal distribution to make our lives easier. Anyhow I have a feeling ain't no one gonna do something about it. Sometimes I really have this thought like I can lead better. I can really figure out tons of ways and solutions to our management problems that can work very well. Lol. This day I was asked to conduct the daily briefing session, to give you an idea how our daily briefing usually goes is that, everyone will be scheduled to a specific time and gather at the usual spot for the management updates and you can voice out your opinions and dissatisfaction too if you wish to share among these people, our director, managers and supervisors will be joining the session too. For some reasons I have a bad feeling that 'me conducting the session' will be a long term thing, though. Because I did some minor mistakes on the sequences and I have this one person that I usually dislike giving me all sorta expressions that I feel like throwing bricks to his face. Normally I will just shrug it off and won't get it too offensively with those harsh words that are solely intended to me and my team but today, I'm having a bad day too so he is obviously messing up with a wrong person. I might seem to him as a person who won't easily get offended because often time I ain't give no shits to his nonsense. When today he did the same to me, now that I think of it, I was too foolish to just walk away without giving hi any responses. I have lotsa words in mind I wish to tell him off but guess it's too late now. Is it me or when anyone of you are into that situation of getting embarrassed or too angry you just can't think of anyone else to say and choose to just walk away until you think back how silly you are to should not have just DO nothing making yourself a loser to the other? Goddamnz.