MY BLOG, OOPS NO ITS ACTUALLY MY PAGE

When did i start to write journal? #diarysoboringlah I first started to write in mandarin when i was like 4, being forced by my mom and frankly speaking i hated it a lot because my mom will think that she has all the reasons to intrude my privacy reading my diary each night before she sleeps.

For as long as i can remember, i started with something like this,

Before start putting words i have to put the date and the condition of weather on the top right corner of each page, then, 

- First para - 

This morning, i woke up to a sunny day. I went to school, I met this new friend, she is the girl at school who thinks she's the boss her name is Alison, but i hate her a lot because she didn't want to talk with me.

- Second para - 

During the lesson i forgot to bring my textbook hence i got punished by teacher. So now i started to hate her. During my recess time, I got no enough money to buy the foods i like so i took one sandwich from my friend's tupperware, She cried, and again, i got punished by the same teacher. Her name is Sally, now i hate Sally also. I hate everyone today.

-Third para - 

Came back at 7pm. Mom scolded me because i turned on the tv without asking for her permission. I cried. I went back into my room and started to do my homework. I brushed my teeth at 9pm. And now ready to sleep. Good night. 

*****

And until now i really can't imagine what my mom would find of interest reading all the things of her 4 year-old-kid who writes down things that make no sense at all. 

My content is always full of different language, i campur huayu and sometimes BM because i literally fucked up all the languages since i was little i don't even have a proper language to speak because, to explain in my defence, my dad speaks england and know nuts about mandarin when my mom is the total opposite, i speak cantonese with some of my relatives ( dad's side all england and hongkong la) and i speak mandarin with most of my friends in primary school and i speak malay with my indonesian maid who used to take good care of us. Basically my each language speaking is quite koyak. #somalaysian #rojak

****

In life's toughest moments i have always found solace by putting them into words then from here I simply got addicted to writing down things happened to me each day. And then it transformed into poetry so sometimes my journal is like a half poetry. I've never shared my deep and personal thoughts and i don't think i could ever open up my heart to anyone anyway, simply cause i don't reach out much and afraid of own emotions. Hence, the journal. 

I started my own journal once but my innate laziness took over. After a several times especially when i was break and crumble and i have no way to express it out, it crashed, and then started again then until this point of time i kept writing and writing because my friends were too busy for me to even listen what i have to say, you guys are still my favorite, nonetheless. 

Growing up I have journaled extensively in different languages and it ended up too messy and too many of it i was running out of place to keep and thinking of dumping every damn one of them because really it is, either you keep, or you throw, because those are the damn things that should remain private and better left unread or unknown.

Then i started to express my own by typing it out ( PC was the only thing i frequently used back then after high school ) I put all sorta rubbish in the page then saved it in my private folder. It turned out to be, i wrote a shit loadsssss more than usual because it just easy access i can just write whenever i feel the need to. I write a lot but still doesn't mean i'm a good at it. Major overrated to call myself a writer not to mention a 'blogger'. Everything written here in my page ( but then they call it a blog ) is solely my self expression. I'm not good enough to write to educate people like any of the other bloggers do and i am not even one of them. I started my own page blog solely because i write for myself. I never struggle even for a second to get blog readers and couldn't careless about the blog traffic because i'm not updating my blog in the hope of getting more people to read, i update a new post occasionally simply because i see it as my own page to express whatever i need to and of course i'm aware of  my content might go public ( because i didn't do anything with the privacy settings ) so i will always choose carefully which one should be published and which should remain in draft. 

***

Oh there's one thing I enjoy reading back all the provoking conversations with myself in the journal particularly those written by one furious enraged bitch bitching about people that challenging her limit making her blood boiled just to live with it. Then the next thing i'll laugh my ass off reading all the badwords ive frantically put in each line, one best natural cure for anger, quite helpful ley. #soorganic #LOL

There are many types of bloggers with different styles out there providing the best up to date knowledge content and effortlessly drive traffic to their blog. And mine? Again is nothing but a personal journal writing all my own stories and experiences for myself ( and sometimes share it with my friends ) to read back sometimes in the future laughing back the terrible grammatical errors and sentence arrangement i have made during the past. It really helps a lot in lighting up my heart writing down all the bad things happened in the past and also the hard time and feelings i have been through to know how i have coped with it and made it this far to reach where i am right now. 

Cut the crap and reaching the final to conclude everything, I ain't no blogger and no writer who's good at putting extraordinary content in the page to create any WOW-some effect. In fact ME is no one who only update my page blog with my own stories unless i post shit loads of pictures after my every single trip to share with everyone my experiences and all the awesome pictures i take throughout that particular trip! 

Peace out ! 

Major Disappointment, Again

Feeling absolutely numb at this moment. My mind is literally blank. Not sure if that's the reaction of suppressing it or the triple dose of numbness it gives but one thing's for sure, i'm not feeling as good today. I can't bring myself to laugh at the jokes or talk to the people around me like how i normally used to, i just wish to spend more time alone to think thing through. 

I am being very selective and only talked to some sympathetic ears. I have no way of knowing if they are just being too kind to embarrass me with the usual setbacks i have faced and shared, i just want to write it out hoping to adjust my mindset back on track and focus on the present but not suppressing it underneath until the major meltdown strikes. 

To deliberately keep it as vague as possible, i concluded it by telling you here, now, it just happens to everyone particularly those who set incredibly high standards for everything and never settle for less, the more determined you are to touch the sky, the stronger the gravity pulls you from the ground, that pretty much sum up the feelings i was left with from the things i've gone through all this while. I just start to feel like i can't cope with it any longer, the continuous disappointment is too much to bear, yes, lost count of the number of same failures i've met. Sometimes i wish my dream was made of clay which able to be sculpted to how i want it to be. That'd probably save me a lot of time from walking to the dead end tunnel with all the false hopes and expectations. 

I acted like i don't care when the sorrow within is too much to bear. At least that puts a smile on my face with the unintentional rhyme that just happened. Reading my last post you may have noticed that i have contradicted myself by convincing people how positive you have to be while waiting for the good ones to come. Deep down inside i find myself just another pathetic pessimist that whines, just about anything against me that is happening around. I weigh every single possibility for a change. I may be relatively slow in showing the progression, taking considerable amount of time to put things into action, but here i am making an effort to make my first step to success, taking the baby steps, slowly, but surely, and it's always better than 100% percent of nothing. 

I just need to succeed the last time, and that all that matters. 

**

Unrelated note, suffering from gum infection tonight, boh mood + 2nd level boh mood = major boh mood tonight.

Ewwww gross take a look at my lower swollen gum. Mad painful ley. Imagine you can't eat can't drink and can't even talk properly. 

Okok some people tell me that by taking a quick glance it looks like something else but hey! lol! 

Sienz.....

Good morning to you and good night to me ! 

FEELING : THE BREAKUP

That long conversation killed the night for me. My mind was going blank a few times trying to explain everything i can possibly think of to help him from suffering that amount of discomfort and to make sure he is feeling okay before he sleeps in this night. Yes, it's the heartbroken story again. The most excruciating pain i've ever experienced when i lost someone i love few years ago. I know it the best. It's been a few days and to him,  i'm sure it gets worse as each day passes by. I am always being good at giving advice but never once it works for myself. Flashing-back those days, a little more than one year ago when the same thing happened on me feeling so suicidal i could nearly die.

He sounded lost, dismayed, desperate, trying every possible way to fix thing right when i told him this is not gonna work because, it's broken. I quickly noticed no matter how many advice i gave him since the day one he appeared all broken, he just wouldn't even hear of it.

Me :" I know it's hard but it is what it is already. You can neither deny nor rewind the past so accept it, the best way to heal. " 

Him :"No it's different from your case because i'm the bad guy in this relationship.."

***
For so many years we have been so close to each since day one in college, this is the first time he takes his breakup so seriously being so caught up in such misery. *OH, i rhymed.

" Perhaps i really love this girl so much and i willing to wait for her to come back."
" Should i give up or no? "
" Or maybe she will one day come back to me.."
"I will change myself to a better me and find her back and marry her."
" I really want her in my life.."
"She didn't reply my text just because she wanted to test my patience and i know she still loves me.."
" What if she is with the other guy right now? "
" Or maybe she should get someone better in life.."
" Oh wait what if she still loves me?"
"What if i give up waiting and one day in future she wants me back? "
"What if.....

Those are the negative thoughts that plague your mind and makes you sliding backward. That doesn't help the healing process no matter how many excuses you give yourself to not let go the person when they are gone. You're just allowing the feeling lingers slowly until it gets so hurt you cry and shout YET it wouldn't change the drastic fact that's already happened. Having those thoughts only keeps you caught up in the life of someone who is already moving on. ( You're sad, she's happy, she couldn't careless about how you feel. Do you really want this in the end? ). Break free yourself and deal with the situation the way you know best, which is, Acknowledge, Accept, and Allow yourself to grieve over the loss.

"She will not come back to your side when she stops replying your text."
"She will eventually find someone better than you and please stop dreaming about one day getting back together."
"Accept it and take it as a lesson for a better next relationship."
Can't help but being brutally honest just to wake him up to reality.

Him: " I will never love again, i will wait her, i want to marry her and make her my wife, and i will prove that i am someone she can rely on and trust."

My first reaction : Brother, again?

P/S: Don't take it so serious when a guy ever say that, lol, he used to say the same kind of thing to me for more than countless times when he was having a serious heartbreak each time since the first day we became friends. But i guess this is a real serious one because i have never seen him feeling that pain like this before.

***

Forgive your partner, and forgive yourself, stop staying stuck in the past when there are so many beautiful things ahead waiting for you. Learn how to say goodbye with a smile.

Sometimes, let go can be so beautiful you just need to put your own optimistic thought and take other perspective to see that same thing differently. That's always a blessing in disguise, believe it. You will eventually get over it and love your revived new life more that you ever thought possible, like myself =)

Have faith in god, and yourself. 

Breakup, is such a beautiful thing that helps adding a new value and lesson into your life,

for you to be a better person before you meet the right one.

God is always fair, 

he lets you meet "that one" at the wrong time, 

but he will eventually let you leave "that one" at the complete right time. 

*As you can see i used to share the same kind of thought when putting those words in this image, not anymore right now. Life is too short to stay stuck in the past, someone better will eventually appear, just give a little more time to yourself, and the one that you deserve.

Hospitality Service

Other than business or sales skills that's equally important, given an opportunity i would love to write down my personal opinion about something more general that relates to my experiences i have gained over the past few years being a customer service provider with different position since the day i started off as a front office agent in this 4 star city hotel during my fresh college years. It was a complete three years of me holding the same position and due to my advanced education in college i continued working as a part timer in front line, all thanks to the opportunity given by my ex-manager who willing to give chances, different external training and all sort of challenges to shape a better me as a customer service specialist, and also that's when my management skills started to develop. I was given an official certificate from "Train the Trainer" program back in 2010 which was held in PJ Hilton, and this is by far the most helpful training that helps me learn a great deal in leadership skills. For the real feels though i wasn't that passionate with anything close to customer service it just that over time i was told if you wish to reach the highest you have to begin at the lowest. Experience is all that matters. Not only you're making new friends, at the same time you're making sales, you're making money for your company by giving the best presentation you possibly can in your own way.

 I enjoy making customers fall in love with what i'm selling. The ability to communicate is very important to carry out this task effectively and efficiently. That being said, giving good service representing yourself and your own company is never an easy task, dealing with difficult types of people from all over the world is no doubt a huge challenge that can be extremely frustrating. Still, there's always a way to improve. Apart from servicing people i used to have a job in some corporate departments, be warned though, the office job can be monotonous until i quickly realized my mentally and physically only get recharged from meeting new people, talking to them, exploring their cultures and accents that can greatly improve my social skills.

 I always have a passion in learning and exploring new things. Those are the skills that you need in order to reach a professional position in future. You need good skills in persuading, communicating, problem-solving, interpersonal and relationship building, not forgetting the leadership skills you have developed over the years from certain different position, all of which you can learn from the experience of customer service (the title can range from a lower position to a manager in one company). From what i'm trying to share in the post is that, i'm not emphasizing anything about customer service but i do believe that you can't reach the top without feeling the floor. Excellent social interaction is one of the keys you need to succeed at work or to be the top in company, especially when you're running your own business.