THOUGHTS : INNER PEACE

I’ve always wanted to start something new without myself being around. When I mention ‘myself’ in the sentence, I mean the ME who have lack of motivation and full of self doubt in making the first move to give something new a try. Like, anything, Literally.

I was brought up to believe that everything happens for a reason. God always has a better plan for us when things fall apart. But then, plans don’t matter, execution does. Nothing will happen with an idea or a great plan if you are not able to execute.

It’s so pathetic, I could have a long list of dreams and all gone in a second thinking of how comfortable already I am hiding into the four walls and one roof I put myself in over these years.  It feels like, I’m in a haze feeling like there’s no place in this world where I can belong. I might as well just sit and wait for another opportunity to come. Can anyone relate?

I’m still standing at the start line of a race when everyone else almost reaching the finish line. People are changing, they are evolving as they reaching, at least they are going forward into the future they dream to have. 

Then, to feel good about themselves everyone’s trying every possible way to hide their own faults and insecurities, including their true-self by making everyone else around them less than they think they are. So we lie. We lie about every single thing that would potentially make us feel less of a person. No one likes the idea of being defeated. Everybody wants to win, wants to be on top of others living up to the standard of society. 

Reflecting upon this year I’m literally wasting my time because all i know I’m not learning anything new - Or maybe i'm the one who don't take any initiative to make a step forward. I’m turning 28 and my life looks nothing like I expected – uhh how I finally woke up from living the wrong life. Sometimes we should just allow our intuition to guide us, forgetting about the reality, knowing that there must be another way out when things doesn’t go your way. 

Then it dawned upon me - If you don’t get something you wanted or you thought you deserve, then try your luck elsewhere - Just because everyone sees the same person differently. There’s certainly something about you is what other people looking for even if there’s a few disapprove of you. 

 Well, it seems Ive had a bunch to learn on inner peace, and im still learning.

Till then...

  

THOUGHT : RANDOM

It's 5.30 am. 

After 6 hours of sleep, i am welcomed by sparkling moonlight glowing in the dark and the promise of a beautiful morning to kick start my day. 

Thank God for the gift of another good night's sleep. 

If i choose to shut my eyes to the things happening around me, THAT FEELING still uncontrollably seeps in. 

But then I believe that if I am too small to make any sort of lasting change for my comfort,

I'd choose to just rely on my gut feeling and let go of the incessant worry.

Then i realized, 

It starts with me. 

So I start with myself, finding what anger and disappointment lives in me and eradicating it piece by piece. 

Gradually, things start boiling inside me. I'm burning up with anger when i finally express my emotions, then it explodes. 

Otherwise, resentment continues. 

I often have a very long thought provoking conversations with myself.

I thought i was wrong, then no, i was right, but then again, maybe i was wrong, but then i realize again i am certainly not the only one who'd end up reacting this way to a situation that's happening.  

Well, I've had a bunch to learn on inner peace. 

As for now, let's continue to be grateful for being able to sleep soundly for more than five hours every night. 

ONCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, ONCE I WAS

Once I was 7 years old, 

I was like some other kids who dread going to school pretty much every single day. I remember I have this one girl in my class, since I will always consider the one I spend my most time with to be my “best friend” but I’m pretty sure I was not hers. I couldn’t remember the details of why she didn’t feel the same and yeah it’s true that she was the one I first met and made friends with in the class but doesn’t mean that I have to borrow or rather “give” her whatever new stationery I kept in my small little wooden pencil box that I find it too cool for a student at my age.  
I hope all the mosquitoes come and fly at your ear with their high pitch annoying buzzing sound every night when you sleep.
Once I was 7 years old.

Once I was 10 years old, 

My teacher told me, “ Stop being violent or you’ll be grounded for the rest of the year”. During my first 3 years of primary I was with this teacher who didn’t quite like me and I got grounded by being ‘violent’ – yeah you read it correctly - just because I was having a small fight with this girl who ‘borrowed and later claimed that it’s hers’ my black mechanical pencil my mom bought for me a day before. I ended up sitting in front of the class at the top left corner which I don’t think it’s a logical move for punishment, never. Imagine when we were told to copy down whatever written on the blackboard. No, I didn’t get my pencil back and will never be.
I still remember your name you little thief and and i'll keep it until the judgment day comes. 

Once I was 15 years old, 

I was the one that being picked on during my first 2 years in this girls highschool, probably because I don’t have this chubby face bigger eyes good grades or whatever you need to have to get popular in school – I have crooked teeth with braces, old school glasses with the string attached to each side, somewhat 'burnt'' yeah i mean dark, very skinny, and very tall.  So again I made friends with this girl who was sitting next to me in the class whom I considered as “my another best friend” which I later found out her sister was one of the biggest gangster in school that everyone scares to mess up with. As how the dramatic scene often shown in the movie I was threatened by her sister to beat me up because she received a complaint from her sister aka “my best friend” that I didn’t buy her the zodiac tarot cards that I WASN’T even asked to.

If this can be an issue try la imagine my life getting stuck with her in the same class for the good 3 years.

Go take the elevator to the 15th floor and jump. Please.

Once I was 20 years old, 

Everybody told me “You’ll be meeting your first love when you get into college.” Trust me, 5 years of being stuck in the girls school is beyond enough. I became a different person and the centre of attention for some reason when I first joined.  I started wearing contacts, kissed my braces goodbye, re-gained my lost confidence by being selected as top 10 finalists for whatever event they were organizing during my first year in college. Lucky bitch.

Finally, my time has come.

Ive learned a new thing during my life in college.  If there’s no chemistry in between, there isn’t. Don’t feel sorry for all the guys you have ever rejected.  

Made friends with a lot of interesting people, showered with love, attention given by friends ( hurm I mean all my crush ). Yes, I love my college life.

When i was 24 years old, 

I always had that dream, to go live and work abroad all by my own, cause I know I love going outside travelling all around the world to feed my curiosity, again yes, by myself. 

The first heart break is always the worst, I’m so glad I’ve experienced it because as cliché as it may sound, what doesn’t kill you by all means making you grow stronger.

Soon I’ll be 35 years old, 

Im still learning about life, wondering if I will end up sharing my future with the one that I love, wondering if I ever had opportunity to spend my new year eve counting down in NYC watching the Time Square balldrop while kissing the one I love as the snow begins to fall from the sky.

Soon we will be 50 years old,

my best friend once told me “ we will still go for a morning jog every morning or we will be getting free breakfast from those who bail on us. “ Girls I hope you are sure and you remember our promises as we get older.

Soon I will be 60 years old, 

I wish you can still put your arm around me and give me a kiss on my forehead like how you did for the first time, reminiscing about the good old days we have shared on the front porch of our little house with our grandchildren running and chasing each other as the sky slowly turns dark.

Soon I will be 60 years old

“ Will you still be mine when we are both 60 years old ? “

Once i was 7 years old.

That's my version of 7 years.

7 years - Lukas Graham

THOUGHT : COMPARATIVE FEELINGS

Again, someone shared something to me tonight and that somehow triggered a strong memory. This is so exhausting and it bothers me a lot i want to just keep my life simple and not think about what i could have done to change things from the past. I wish i could stop time. Truth is, it will never be again what it was. The thing is, he made it hard for me to see the light in myself no matter how strong and bright they were before. It happens too often, one day you're the happiest person ever and the next day you find yourself feeling so low and hating yourself for whatever reason.  It's not the worst kind of self-hatred anyway, but i don't ever want to make comparison and feel like i'm in a haze where nothing is important to me in the current life i'm leading.


It's just so hard to keep all the negative feelings at a distance.


I just don't see myself as good enough to just focus on what truly matters to me. Instead, i care too much about what's going on around me and as absurd as it may sound, their opinions,  and that's a killer weapon that would easily affect the choices and decisions i make in life. Everyone can just easily hate what they don't know, they dislike you, they judge you, and they hate you without any apparent reason. You feel low, depressed, isolated, and you allow your emotions to be affected, you allow it to happen, and it will continue making you feel even more difficult to feel better about yourself, keep thinking of what you could've done to alter things for the better, to what you think it supposed to be after you've wasted all the opportunities and chances to be what you wanted to be.

Oftentimes we wish to have and be like others, so we compare ourselves to someone who has all the qualities and that kind of life we admire, and we strive to make ourselves achieve better success in all ways.


Here, the jealous thoughts and feelings creep in.


You feel insecure about yourself, starting to blame yourself. You let your ego get ahead of you, sabotaging your current life forcing and pushing yourself beyond your limits. You're trapped in your own comparative thoughts. You just can't seem to focus anymore.


You lose everything, including yourself.  


You don't know what to do anymore. You achieve nothing in your life.
"If you feel low about yourself you have to do something about it." Rachel said.


I hope i have the courage to start all over again and start focusing on myself to what i really want to do.


And that's just my own wishful thinking.

THOUGHT : CONSUMED

At this very moment I feel like having some alcohol in my system. Yes, you heard that correctly. Just because i don't enjoy alcohol as much doesn't mean i don't drink and right now I want to drink for it's effect on me - at least a temporary great relief to my mind.

I've gone from supremely angry to disappointed to the boiling point i shouted, frantically, like an animal trapped in cage i could hardly be calm myself - i'm triggered, one of the few times i burst out in anger, losing my complete composure and from there i know i am no longer being able to suppress my emotions anymore. But there's one thing's for sure, the unexpected outburst eventually leads to great consequences. 

I punched myself repeatedly in my head and couldn't find a way yet just to sleep the same night. It comes back to me without any sign of warning. I just want to be filled with good memories and fall exhausted under a sky full of stars every night or maybe it's just my own wishful thinking. 

Hope the sun in shining the moment i'm awake - if only tonight i could sleep.

As the days grow even shorter, i really want to continue appreciating gift from another day, being grateful for every morning, for possibility, and for every hope that i'm always given. 

MY BLOG, OOPS NO ITS ACTUALLY MY PAGE

When did i start to write journal? #diarysoboringlah I first started to write in mandarin when i was like 4, being forced by my mom and frankly speaking i hated it a lot because my mom will think that she has all the reasons to intrude my privacy reading my diary each night before she sleeps.

For as long as i can remember, i started with something like this,

Before start putting words i have to put the date and the condition of weather on the top right corner of each page, then, 

- First para - 

This morning, i woke up to a sunny day. I went to school, I met this new friend, she is the girl at school who thinks she's the boss her name is Alison, but i hate her a lot because she didn't want to talk with me.

- Second para - 

During the lesson i forgot to bring my textbook hence i got punished by teacher. So now i started to hate her. During my recess time, I got no enough money to buy the foods i like so i took one sandwich from my friend's tupperware, She cried, and again, i got punished by the same teacher. Her name is Sally, now i hate Sally also. I hate everyone today.

-Third para - 

Came back at 7pm. Mom scolded me because i turned on the tv without asking for her permission. I cried. I went back into my room and started to do my homework. I brushed my teeth at 9pm. And now ready to sleep. Good night. 

*****

And until now i really can't imagine what my mom would find of interest reading all the things of her 4 year-old-kid who writes down things that make no sense at all. 

My content is always full of different language, i campur huayu and sometimes BM because i literally fucked up all the languages since i was little i don't even have a proper language to speak because, to explain in my defence, my dad speaks england and know nuts about mandarin when my mom is the total opposite, i speak cantonese with some of my relatives ( dad's side all england and hongkong la) and i speak mandarin with most of my friends in primary school and i speak malay with my indonesian maid who used to take good care of us. Basically my each language speaking is quite koyak. #somalaysian #rojak

****

In life's toughest moments i have always found solace by putting them into words then from here I simply got addicted to writing down things happened to me each day. And then it transformed into poetry so sometimes my journal is like a half poetry. I've never shared my deep and personal thoughts and i don't think i could ever open up my heart to anyone anyway, simply cause i don't reach out much and afraid of own emotions. Hence, the journal. 

I started my own journal once but my innate laziness took over. After a several times especially when i was break and crumble and i have no way to express it out, it crashed, and then started again then until this point of time i kept writing and writing because my friends were too busy for me to even listen what i have to say, you guys are still my favorite, nonetheless. 

Growing up I have journaled extensively in different languages and it ended up too messy and too many of it i was running out of place to keep and thinking of dumping every damn one of them because really it is, either you keep, or you throw, because those are the damn things that should remain private and better left unread or unknown.

Then i started to express my own by typing it out ( PC was the only thing i frequently used back then after high school ) I put all sorta rubbish in the page then saved it in my private folder. It turned out to be, i wrote a shit loadsssss more than usual because it just easy access i can just write whenever i feel the need to. I write a lot but still doesn't mean i'm a good at it. Major overrated to call myself a writer not to mention a 'blogger'. Everything written here in my page ( but then they call it a blog ) is solely my self expression. I'm not good enough to write to educate people like any of the other bloggers do and i am not even one of them. I started my own page blog solely because i write for myself. I never struggle even for a second to get blog readers and couldn't careless about the blog traffic because i'm not updating my blog in the hope of getting more people to read, i update a new post occasionally simply because i see it as my own page to express whatever i need to and of course i'm aware of  my content might go public ( because i didn't do anything with the privacy settings ) so i will always choose carefully which one should be published and which should remain in draft. 

***

Oh there's one thing I enjoy reading back all the provoking conversations with myself in the journal particularly those written by one furious enraged bitch bitching about people that challenging her limit making her blood boiled just to live with it. Then the next thing i'll laugh my ass off reading all the badwords ive frantically put in each line, one best natural cure for anger, quite helpful ley. #soorganic #LOL

There are many types of bloggers with different styles out there providing the best up to date knowledge content and effortlessly drive traffic to their blog. And mine? Again is nothing but a personal journal writing all my own stories and experiences for myself ( and sometimes share it with my friends ) to read back sometimes in the future laughing back the terrible grammatical errors and sentence arrangement i have made during the past. It really helps a lot in lighting up my heart writing down all the bad things happened in the past and also the hard time and feelings i have been through to know how i have coped with it and made it this far to reach where i am right now. 

Cut the crap and reaching the final to conclude everything, I ain't no blogger and no writer who's good at putting extraordinary content in the page to create any WOW-some effect. In fact ME is no one who only update my page blog with my own stories unless i post shit loads of pictures after my every single trip to share with everyone my experiences and all the awesome pictures i take throughout that particular trip! 

Peace out ! 

Sorry and thank you

I walked in my room, plopped the stack of papers down infront of me and flopped on my bed to check my phone, something I always do when I come home.
Instagram - checked; 
Facebook - checked; 
online business - checked; 
tumblr - checked; 
whatsapp - all replied.

The next thing to do - thinking what I should do to kill my boredom. I've always have plans during my dayoff but this time I was really looking forward to kicking back and do nothing - a good way to recharge my battery to make myself more productive for the next coming working day.

But the fact is, I'm literally dying of boredom and feel extremely lonely ( that's a killer ! ) to spend this day at home doing absolutely nothing and here and you may have or not noticed I'm again contradicting myself, It's like me gets jealous occasionally seeing my friends are all now in a relationship yet I keep convincing myself I don't really need anyone at this point of life. Well life isn't about these all quick flings, getting the right partner is never an easy task for it's a matter of long run dealing with the right one that can make you truly happy. Everyone that I met was too perfect for me in my opinion and i choose someone for the reasons i see fit and could give me a feeling I can be totally myself but not stressing throughout spending time in giving out the best impression to lock them in a way. If you one day notice that I'm pulling the plug off something you should get a clear picture of it right now.

It's like....the fire that was once burning so bright so fiercely with the beautiful flickering flames that had soon dwindled into darkness in the heat of the moment. You might have misconceptions about me with what 'we' have done but I would rather keep the truth to myself at least now that I think of it, I know it wasn't a right thing to keep on doing and I've decided to put a stop to this.

Thanks for being a part of me growing up as a person who is now able to swerve to miss those holes in the street with a proper grip of steering wheel - to avoid all the poor surfaces and protect myself against any unnecessary dangers. Sorry and thank you, for once playing an important role adding some colors in my life. We should both move on and start looking for someone who's worth the amount of love we will be entirely giving out when those paths are amazingly aligned one day...without us realizing.

Light of hope

Was rather flustered yesterday night for some reason but being convinced i know i'm waking up to a complete brand new beginning, revived, refreshed, reorganized day from this day onwards, I promise myself. Don't get too upset when people are too busy for you, you'll never feel lonely when you know you're loved if not by anyone else, at least by yourself. Shall update more substantial posts in a bit. As for now, allow me some time to sober up my clouded mind. Thanks to another new morning i'm waking up to. Life's been so awesome to me, as always.

The rays of sun shining through my window,
With my lips curved upward i rose from the bed next to it, 

"That's the light of new beginning."

He murmured softly in my ears. =) 

FEELING : THE BREAKUP

That long conversation killed the night for me. My mind was going blank a few times trying to explain everything i can possibly think of to help him from suffering that amount of discomfort and to make sure he is feeling okay before he sleeps in this night. Yes, it's the heartbroken story again. The most excruciating pain i've ever experienced when i lost someone i love few years ago. I know it the best. It's been a few days and to him,  i'm sure it gets worse as each day passes by. I am always being good at giving advice but never once it works for myself. Flashing-back those days, a little more than one year ago when the same thing happened on me feeling so suicidal i could nearly die.

He sounded lost, dismayed, desperate, trying every possible way to fix thing right when i told him this is not gonna work because, it's broken. I quickly noticed no matter how many advice i gave him since the day one he appeared all broken, he just wouldn't even hear of it.

Me :" I know it's hard but it is what it is already. You can neither deny nor rewind the past so accept it, the best way to heal. " 

Him :"No it's different from your case because i'm the bad guy in this relationship.."

***
For so many years we have been so close to each since day one in college, this is the first time he takes his breakup so seriously being so caught up in such misery. *OH, i rhymed.

" Perhaps i really love this girl so much and i willing to wait for her to come back."
" Should i give up or no? "
" Or maybe she will one day come back to me.."
"I will change myself to a better me and find her back and marry her."
" I really want her in my life.."
"She didn't reply my text just because she wanted to test my patience and i know she still loves me.."
" What if she is with the other guy right now? "
" Or maybe she should get someone better in life.."
" Oh wait what if she still loves me?"
"What if i give up waiting and one day in future she wants me back? "
"What if.....

Those are the negative thoughts that plague your mind and makes you sliding backward. That doesn't help the healing process no matter how many excuses you give yourself to not let go the person when they are gone. You're just allowing the feeling lingers slowly until it gets so hurt you cry and shout YET it wouldn't change the drastic fact that's already happened. Having those thoughts only keeps you caught up in the life of someone who is already moving on. ( You're sad, she's happy, she couldn't careless about how you feel. Do you really want this in the end? ). Break free yourself and deal with the situation the way you know best, which is, Acknowledge, Accept, and Allow yourself to grieve over the loss.

"She will not come back to your side when she stops replying your text."
"She will eventually find someone better than you and please stop dreaming about one day getting back together."
"Accept it and take it as a lesson for a better next relationship."
Can't help but being brutally honest just to wake him up to reality.

Him: " I will never love again, i will wait her, i want to marry her and make her my wife, and i will prove that i am someone she can rely on and trust."

My first reaction : Brother, again?

P/S: Don't take it so serious when a guy ever say that, lol, he used to say the same kind of thing to me for more than countless times when he was having a serious heartbreak each time since the first day we became friends. But i guess this is a real serious one because i have never seen him feeling that pain like this before.

***

Forgive your partner, and forgive yourself, stop staying stuck in the past when there are so many beautiful things ahead waiting for you. Learn how to say goodbye with a smile.

Sometimes, let go can be so beautiful you just need to put your own optimistic thought and take other perspective to see that same thing differently. That's always a blessing in disguise, believe it. You will eventually get over it and love your revived new life more that you ever thought possible, like myself =)

Have faith in god, and yourself. 

Breakup, is such a beautiful thing that helps adding a new value and lesson into your life,

for you to be a better person before you meet the right one.

God is always fair, 

he lets you meet "that one" at the wrong time, 

but he will eventually let you leave "that one" at the complete right time. 

*As you can see i used to share the same kind of thought when putting those words in this image, not anymore right now. Life is too short to stay stuck in the past, someone better will eventually appear, just give a little more time to yourself, and the one that you deserve.

AFTERTHOUGHT : WOMAN BEING BEATEN TO DEATH IN CHINA - MCDONALD

Just some random thoughts based on recent news and didn't mean to offend anyone in particular.

I have recently come across one news from China about a girl being beaten to death in the McDonald outlet just because she refused to give away her contact number when she was asked. Just like one of the normal days i scroll down my news feed and this few seconds video appears. I then play it, and subsequently feeling the pain in anger.

And all of a sudden this thing pops up in mind.

Remember that news of a 2-year-old girl who ran over by a van that drove off right after? And the injured toddler got ignored by passersby leaving her bleeding on the street whom later got hit by another car again? And still left struggling at the middle of road until the mother appeared?

I bet you do. This news has massively sparked the international expressions of shock and anger - How heartless can these people from China be. Not only they are cruel to animals, they are heartless toward human being too. Such a shame.

Until now, after so many cases, another similar incident has arisen, here, skip the details and go to the main point. Instead of witnessing the whole incident with the phone recorder without any intention to help out of fear of getting involved in this life threatening situation, one thing he can do to save the girl's life :

He can simply get everyone gathered up in a big group to stop this from happening, at the same time, call the police, but not cowardly standing from far to record the whole incident and what's the purpose of posting it up when the victim is already dead?

Here's the video

That explains what a heartless fool they are and these people literally don't have any feelings for another person. How awful the society has turned out to be. Some people may think they need to keep themselves out of the harm but this incident took place in public, everyone's around witnessing but no action taken to stop the crime. How sad. Imagine how helpless that girl was throughout the whole incident hoping someone to come and rescue.

China, stop the cruelty and wake up, maybe?