THOUGHTS : PERCEPTION VS REALITY

Words will never be enough to describe the feeling i'm having inside at this very moment.

Nestling in an amazing coffee shop,
yeah, by myself.
I love to be alone still, something that's hard to do when you're busy with work and him.
So today i'm left to my own space,
To-finally have time to breath for a minute.

****

I awoke to a peaceful morning,
Knowing that i have this whole day to myself,
I took my time, i relished.
Most importantly,
I revived.

Flashing slowly on and off,
With a cup of my favorite morning refreshment at this small little corner of the shop on my own,
I sip, and think.
Immediately i'm hit by a series of thoughts that drag me into the reality,

 Did the reality perceive the same as the world i thought i lived in?

You fear of being weird, being left out when you can't follow the crowd or fit into their box so you spend your life trying to fit in, doing things against your will trying to please others, giving them the generic responses to receive approval from the society you wish to belong to.

So you sacrifice yourself,
To live in their dreams,
You change yourself.
You created this monster out of your own and continue to create more to be accepted and survive in a place you think how the world thinks we should be.

You created this whole thought where they didn't like you because they thought you were boring, stupid, not special.

Now you're worried.

You try to be that person you feel you should be so you try every possible way to blend in to be part of it.

You refuse to be yourself.
You have no self-confidence to do anything.
You're not proud of who you are.
You don't see yourself as good enough anymore.
You feel less and less of everything.
You want to be smarter, prettier, slimmer and better in some way to shine through the others and most importantly,
To be accepted.
You're restricted,
You're tired of acting like one of them when you're not and you ruin it all in that moment.
You feel the pressure to fit in the crowd.
You just can't be the person you want to be because of the environment they grow up in and those things they are born with you have to live without.
You know to that certain extent you gotta accept that you can never become the person you wish to become.

Is it me myself who's creating all these perceptions of reality?
Or is it what reality really is from how we perceive it to be?


What am i and what do i live for?

THOUGHT : COMPARATIVE FEELINGS

Again, someone shared something to me tonight and that somehow triggered a strong memory. This is so exhausting and it bothers me a lot i want to just keep my life simple and not think about what i could have done to change things from the past. I wish i could stop time. Truth is, it will never be again what it was. The thing is, he made it hard for me to see the light in myself no matter how strong and bright they were before. It happens too often, one day you're the happiest person ever and the next day you find yourself feeling so low and hating yourself for whatever reason.  It's not the worst kind of self-hatred anyway, but i don't ever want to make comparison and feel like i'm in a haze where nothing is important to me in the current life i'm leading.


It's just so hard to keep all the negative feelings at a distance.


I just don't see myself as good enough to just focus on what truly matters to me. Instead, i care too much about what's going on around me and as absurd as it may sound, their opinions,  and that's a killer weapon that would easily affect the choices and decisions i make in life. Everyone can just easily hate what they don't know, they dislike you, they judge you, and they hate you without any apparent reason. You feel low, depressed, isolated, and you allow your emotions to be affected, you allow it to happen, and it will continue making you feel even more difficult to feel better about yourself, keep thinking of what you could've done to alter things for the better, to what you think it supposed to be after you've wasted all the opportunities and chances to be what you wanted to be.

Oftentimes we wish to have and be like others, so we compare ourselves to someone who has all the qualities and that kind of life we admire, and we strive to make ourselves achieve better success in all ways.


Here, the jealous thoughts and feelings creep in.


You feel insecure about yourself, starting to blame yourself. You let your ego get ahead of you, sabotaging your current life forcing and pushing yourself beyond your limits. You're trapped in your own comparative thoughts. You just can't seem to focus anymore.


You lose everything, including yourself.  


You don't know what to do anymore. You achieve nothing in your life.
"If you feel low about yourself you have to do something about it." Rachel said.


I hope i have the courage to start all over again and start focusing on myself to what i really want to do.


And that's just my own wishful thinking.

THE LONG AWAITED REPLY

Because you stopped being a friend.

That's kinda hurt,

I once fell too deep and i found it impossible to shut away the acute feeling of that emotional pain,

I waited all day and night, only ended up with disappointment that i'm certainly not surprised.

The last chance i was given, the last chance i have wasted, i can't believe i was actually the one who ran away because of my selfishness.

Your blog was all about me and left abandoned after we had drifted apart.

Finally, the ever dreaded good bye is real.

I just couldn't get over the fact that it's over.

But somehow i survived.

I promised to not linger in the past. Whatever it was that i missed, I choose not to bother anymore.

Nothing hurts if you don't let it.

I still wish to see you reply even when it's impossible just because i know you too well.

And this day, somewhere after 2 years,

As anxious and not-too-excited-anymore as i was to see the familiar name finally appeared on the screen,

I smile. That smile that i can't even describe.

We talked a bit, just a little.

Deep down I might just be feeling a little gloomy but it doesn't mean that i'm still missing our good old days. I just don't get why it only happens after so many years. But it doesn't really matter to me because the burden that i bear has already long gone.

At least you still remember me.

Or because i know i shall not be entirely forgotten.

A new chapter of my life has just begun. It's like a cycle that repeats.

I would love for him to write a different ending to this new chapter in my life because i know he can,

Even when i haven't had much confidence on him just yet.

But at least, he is the reason that makes my heart smile everyday.

THOUGHT : ANXIETY

Another exhausting post. Probably because of this small part of the world already asleep and i'm the only one still wide awake at this odd hour. People say that it's completely normal to feel emotionally vulnerable when you're alone and this likely to be worst when the night comes. For this I couldn't agree more.

Because i always have problems dealing with night-time depression.

For a second i thought i have done dealing with all this shyits that have been going on for too long- i'm wrong. Physically wise I don't feel any less of a woman ( except for my flat chest i get frustrated at times for not being able to fit into my favorite dress ) besides that, i'm happy with what i have to live with or without.

To contradict myself, oftentimes i find there's so many things around me making me feel bad about myself. I'm just too focused on how i am perceived by others and constantly make changes to live up to that expectation - even if i have to change myself to someone i am not. Especially when it comes to comparing yourself to someone who seem to have it all - that's when you start to doubt yourself, your capability, everything you see, and everything you feel. You question yourself, why do people love you? What makes them stay when you feel absolutely nothing good about yourself? Why are you going through the challenges that others don't have to go through?

Getting so caught up with your own problems you feel completely low that you totally forget all the wonderful things about yourself no matter how people keep telling you that you're way better than you think - beautiful, smart, capable
 they are just too kind to embarrass me. 

I forget since when i have become very fond of comparing myself to those i think they have everything i need to feel good about myself. Being so uptight and obsessed with it, i'm now completely consumed with anxiety, dwelling on my own issues and about things that are out of control until the point i feel that i have absolutely nothing in life to live for. I have suffered from severe low self-esteem - I act like i'm strong I just don't want to seem bitter to others. Not only that, i'm having an inferiority complex, the critical stage now since the beginning it gradually moving from stage to stage. I thought getting into a new relationship would help but obviously i'm proven wrong. Oh no don't get it wrongly i love the man i'm with right now but the inner part of myself still battling with depression i just can't help.

This part of me ( and many parts )  i haven't had the chance to show him just yet fearing it would put a damper on the relationship. Part of the reasons being in this whole new relationship is to save myself from messing my own life even further. I never thought i could fall in love again when i can't even find a reason to love myself for who i am. I lie to myself all the time. I clearly know that i'm not the person i think i am. "You have to be confident to become more lovable". I'm the total opposite. I'm just getting tired of acting like i'm fine when i'm not. I'm being afraid to thoroughly unfold myself because I don't think anyone can put up with all my dramatic behavior in a relationship -

Until the day they can't stand it any longer, they leave.

I was fortuitous that i met the man i'm currently with because he physically and emotionally separate myself from all the things that are keeping me stuck inside my obsessive mind giving me more reasons to breathe and dream again.

I am guessing that nothing else i could really do other than writing it down to make myself feel a little better.

They will forever remain in my baggage,

Until the day i learn how to love and accept myself for who i really am.

Maybe you see it, you just find it hard to reveal the real me for me to face the reality.

THOUGHT - THE PAST

Part of the growing up process is to be able to learn how to leave the past behind. For better or worse those are the things that shape who we are right now, and we cant rewind back nor erase the things that happened. Fact is, there's no way for us to go back and change the past. It's nothing more like a self-inflicted pain when you choose to dwell in the past and worse when you keep comparing yourself to someone in the past, obsessing over whether they are much talented, smarter, prettier, taller, then the next thing you starting to feel so dysfunctional, extremely worthless, keep devaluing yourself which leads to feelings of insecurity, jealously, inadequacy, you name it. You feel like you're lacking of something and not good enough to be loved because they have those certain attractive qualities that you have to live without. 

You just never feel good about yourself no matter what. 

I always have this self provoking conversations running through my mind, then i contradict myself, again, we don't see ourselves the exact same way other people see us, but no, we see ourselves as how and what we really are. Confused? 

Sometimes you just know it too well that keep comparing will only kill yourself and your present relationship slowly, it does nothing more than threatening you emotionally and destroying your current happiness. But hey, i just can't help. 

Ask yourself, then why do they stay? 

Holding on too tightly is purely self-harming when you have a choice to choose a happier path than staying stuck in the past. I know.  

Live in the present, everything happens and ends up for a reason. 

I care too much and wish i could care a little less than that from now on. 

And yes, I'm happy, i really am.

Fuck it

Apparently the hardest thing to do in life is to find ways in sustaining the contentment and switch the perceptive in life to the brighter side as possible.

Fuck it.
I'm leaving.

Major Disappointment, Again

Feeling absolutely numb at this moment. My mind is literally blank. Not sure if that's the reaction of suppressing it or the triple dose of numbness it gives but one thing's for sure, i'm not feeling as good today. I can't bring myself to laugh at the jokes or talk to the people around me like how i normally used to, i just wish to spend more time alone to think thing through. 

I am being very selective and only talked to some sympathetic ears. I have no way of knowing if they are just being too kind to embarrass me with the usual setbacks i have faced and shared, i just want to write it out hoping to adjust my mindset back on track and focus on the present but not suppressing it underneath until the major meltdown strikes. 

To deliberately keep it as vague as possible, i concluded it by telling you here, now, it just happens to everyone particularly those who set incredibly high standards for everything and never settle for less, the more determined you are to touch the sky, the stronger the gravity pulls you from the ground, that pretty much sum up the feelings i was left with from the things i've gone through all this while. I just start to feel like i can't cope with it any longer, the continuous disappointment is too much to bear, yes, lost count of the number of same failures i've met. Sometimes i wish my dream was made of clay which able to be sculpted to how i want it to be. That'd probably save me a lot of time from walking to the dead end tunnel with all the false hopes and expectations. 

I acted like i don't care when the sorrow within is too much to bear. At least that puts a smile on my face with the unintentional rhyme that just happened. Reading my last post you may have noticed that i have contradicted myself by convincing people how positive you have to be while waiting for the good ones to come. Deep down inside i find myself just another pathetic pessimist that whines, just about anything against me that is happening around. I weigh every single possibility for a change. I may be relatively slow in showing the progression, taking considerable amount of time to put things into action, but here i am making an effort to make my first step to success, taking the baby steps, slowly, but surely, and it's always better than 100% percent of nothing. 

I just need to succeed the last time, and that all that matters. 

**

Unrelated note, suffering from gum infection tonight, boh mood + 2nd level boh mood = major boh mood tonight.

Ewwww gross take a look at my lower swollen gum. Mad painful ley. Imagine you can't eat can't drink and can't even talk properly. 

Okok some people tell me that by taking a quick glance it looks like something else but hey! lol! 

Sienz.....

Good morning to you and good night to me ! 

Light of hope

Was rather flustered yesterday night for some reason but being convinced i know i'm waking up to a complete brand new beginning, revived, refreshed, reorganized day from this day onwards, I promise myself. Don't get too upset when people are too busy for you, you'll never feel lonely when you know you're loved if not by anyone else, at least by yourself. Shall update more substantial posts in a bit. As for now, allow me some time to sober up my clouded mind. Thanks to another new morning i'm waking up to. Life's been so awesome to me, as always.

The rays of sun shining through my window,
With my lips curved upward i rose from the bed next to it, 

"That's the light of new beginning."

He murmured softly in my ears. =) 

One emotional roller coaster

The upsetting memory got triggered by this one song played from the playlist a moment ago. It's not a good sign because it just means that all this while I'm just trying every possible way just to get distracted convincing myself that I have already moved on after so long. That's not the case. It comes back like everything was just happened yesterday I have this every single scene committed into my memory I find it hard to forget even the slightest thing we've shared in between. I'm so fed up with all these negativity running through my head . It makes me feel like going back to where I was before and the thought of this seriously sicken me to my stomach. Okay right now I'm so emotional I should not easily get stirred by one song bringing back all the sad memories. It's been a roller coaster ride I thought I've grown up and learned something from it but it's proven that I'm wrong. Perhaps the only one right thing to do now is to turn off my speakers and go take a nap to stop myself from thinking. This hermit crab is now need a break in her own shell.  

FEELING : THE BREAKUP

That long conversation killed the night for me. My mind was going blank a few times trying to explain everything i can possibly think of to help him from suffering that amount of discomfort and to make sure he is feeling okay before he sleeps in this night. Yes, it's the heartbroken story again. The most excruciating pain i've ever experienced when i lost someone i love few years ago. I know it the best. It's been a few days and to him,  i'm sure it gets worse as each day passes by. I am always being good at giving advice but never once it works for myself. Flashing-back those days, a little more than one year ago when the same thing happened on me feeling so suicidal i could nearly die.

He sounded lost, dismayed, desperate, trying every possible way to fix thing right when i told him this is not gonna work because, it's broken. I quickly noticed no matter how many advice i gave him since the day one he appeared all broken, he just wouldn't even hear of it.

Me :" I know it's hard but it is what it is already. You can neither deny nor rewind the past so accept it, the best way to heal. " 

Him :"No it's different from your case because i'm the bad guy in this relationship.."

***
For so many years we have been so close to each since day one in college, this is the first time he takes his breakup so seriously being so caught up in such misery. *OH, i rhymed.

" Perhaps i really love this girl so much and i willing to wait for her to come back."
" Should i give up or no? "
" Or maybe she will one day come back to me.."
"I will change myself to a better me and find her back and marry her."
" I really want her in my life.."
"She didn't reply my text just because she wanted to test my patience and i know she still loves me.."
" What if she is with the other guy right now? "
" Or maybe she should get someone better in life.."
" Oh wait what if she still loves me?"
"What if i give up waiting and one day in future she wants me back? "
"What if.....

Those are the negative thoughts that plague your mind and makes you sliding backward. That doesn't help the healing process no matter how many excuses you give yourself to not let go the person when they are gone. You're just allowing the feeling lingers slowly until it gets so hurt you cry and shout YET it wouldn't change the drastic fact that's already happened. Having those thoughts only keeps you caught up in the life of someone who is already moving on. ( You're sad, she's happy, she couldn't careless about how you feel. Do you really want this in the end? ). Break free yourself and deal with the situation the way you know best, which is, Acknowledge, Accept, and Allow yourself to grieve over the loss.

"She will not come back to your side when she stops replying your text."
"She will eventually find someone better than you and please stop dreaming about one day getting back together."
"Accept it and take it as a lesson for a better next relationship."
Can't help but being brutally honest just to wake him up to reality.

Him: " I will never love again, i will wait her, i want to marry her and make her my wife, and i will prove that i am someone she can rely on and trust."

My first reaction : Brother, again?

P/S: Don't take it so serious when a guy ever say that, lol, he used to say the same kind of thing to me for more than countless times when he was having a serious heartbreak each time since the first day we became friends. But i guess this is a real serious one because i have never seen him feeling that pain like this before.

***

Forgive your partner, and forgive yourself, stop staying stuck in the past when there are so many beautiful things ahead waiting for you. Learn how to say goodbye with a smile.

Sometimes, let go can be so beautiful you just need to put your own optimistic thought and take other perspective to see that same thing differently. That's always a blessing in disguise, believe it. You will eventually get over it and love your revived new life more that you ever thought possible, like myself =)

Have faith in god, and yourself. 

Breakup, is such a beautiful thing that helps adding a new value and lesson into your life,

for you to be a better person before you meet the right one.

God is always fair, 

he lets you meet "that one" at the wrong time, 

but he will eventually let you leave "that one" at the complete right time. 

*As you can see i used to share the same kind of thought when putting those words in this image, not anymore right now. Life is too short to stay stuck in the past, someone better will eventually appear, just give a little more time to yourself, and the one that you deserve.

When you say nothing at all

It's the official Mother's day last night and my facebook's news feed is all about the post of celebration and the pictures of mother-son-and-daughter wishing their mother for this significant day. As for my mom, because her birthday falls on 7th of May, which is a few days earlier than the mother's day each year we have already "conveniently" celebrated the mother's day on her actual birthday by treating her her all-time fav foods in that newly opened steak house. We also bought a piece of small cheese cake exclusively for her which took us a few days to make up a plan on how to gtive it to her as a surprise. So this year, on mother's day,  her godson will be taking care of the celebration since he's leaving back to Canada very soon.

Did some shopping for my upcoming 7-day trip alone in this huge mall when i was suddenly distracted by this song. I held my breath for a second with that mixed feeling listening to " When you say nothing at all " as i made each step closer to that speaker that was playing it. It came back to reality as the song ended and soon replaced by " Look at me now" by Chris Brown, which is another of my favorites too. Well, i just can't be bothered to miss you anymore eversince he came to my life unexpectedly and paint my world with the color of rainbow. 

Ciaoz.

You are so beautiful the way you are

It's been forever since i last updated. So this post is just another random one. I'm kinda exhausted today, and you might be feeling exhausted reading this post too.

I was throwing a huge tantrum at work today and it was my bad acting all outrageous when i'm not supposed to. I'm not in a good mood and feeling so low in this particular day because of so many issues that trigger the thought.

I have pointed out a few to Dave and his words has magically cure my ache, not entirely though. It's all about insecurities with job and position that i'm currently holding ( much more that's best to be left untold ) and those issues are pretty much sum up to it. 

Let me stray off a little and talk about being skinny. Everyone has been telling me that i am so lucky to be that tall and skinny and keep asking me the way of maintaining it. Well first, i'm just naturally thin and that's something that i cannot change. I eat a regular amount of meal 3 to 4 times a day and i literally can't do shit about getting skinny. Talk about fat people that always become a victim of those judgemental person you have to understand one thing.

Some people cannot help the way that they are naturally the way they are. You have no idea what that person is going through. It might be the impact of genetics that making a person become overweight or rather obese and they have no choice to change the way they look or if the overweight is caused by little physical activities and major food supply in each day maybe this person is already working hard on losing weight. See? 

For those who need, if you can't physically change the way you look for any reasons, change the way you think. Size and shape of body don't define who and what you are. Whether you're pretty or not it depends on who you are inside but not judging by the look and remember, confidence is what will win anything over. 

Stop wasting a moment of your life feeling shame about yourself whether you're too tall, short, fat, or too skinny. 

Everyone's pretty, depending on the way how they think and carry themselves.

Rape with 'Consent'

"Qur’an 24:4 and 24:13 stipulate that sexual crimes can only be established by the testimony of four male Muslim witnesses. Those verses, according to Islamic tradition, are a result of Muhammad’s exoneration of his favorite wife, Aisha, who was suspected of adultery. Allah gave him a revelation requiring four male witnesses to establish such a crime: “And those who accuse honourable women but bring not four witnesses, scourge them (with) eighty stripes and never (afterward) accept their testimony – They indeed are evil-doers” (Qur’an 24:4)."

Abu Azmi

Scenario 1:

A girl got raped and she reported to the police. 

Police : Any witnesses to prove this ?

Victim : Yes....

Police : How many of them?

Victim : 4, who engaged in the rape.

Scenario 2:

Police  :Any witnesses to prove this ?

Victim : No..

Police : Sorry it's either you have at least 4 witnesses otherwise i have reason to suspect this is just another case of rape WITH CONSENT. 

****************

And this is from the other source so i have the whole thing copied down.

"The Quran says FOUR witnesses are required if a charge of indecency (fahishatan) is made against chaste women (muhsanaati). So in the literal Quran it is the other way around - the accuser must bring forth FOUR WITNESSES against the women."

Scenario 1:

A guy was caught for involving a rape case.

Police : Any witnesses to prove that you're not guilty of charge?

Rapist : Yes

Police : How many of them?

Rapist : 4 of them. * Bringing out his four friends who will never betray him 

Police : Okay you can leave now. 

Tell me the difference.

Back to school,

the definition of rape is being sexually forced with violence.

But if you never fight back, or maybe not able to fight back with a body full of wounds and cuts AND no witness throughout the whole incident, it will be assumed as rape with consent. 

Case closed.

*************

"Rape"and "consent"is obviously two different words that can never go together.

But it exists.

I see it this way though.

How could it possibly form a word when 'rape' comes with a rough physical force and violence and 'consent' simply means a permission or allowing something to happen?

I have not heard of such thing like women give men a permission to physically hurt themselves to almost die.

I really don't understand the whole logic yet they want to implement this (or already) at here.

One thing's for certain, god will never teach us something wrong. They might be conveying s false impression based on their ideology because as we know, which is the fact, they are not smart, not even close. The election and all was just all fucked up.

Just need to rant it out and haven't have guts to go into further details because i'm not good at writing this sorta topic and not living in a free-speech country. 

I don't feel safe when this part of the world is already asleep and can never wake up.

It's almost dinner time.

I'm bloated,

but super hungry.

The meaningful silence

I pondered for a moment whether i should start checking out the updates or just ignore and move on the the next picture posted by the others. In the end i settled for just putting my phone aside and some memories started to form at the back of my mind. It was around 1.30am, and i have all the bad thoughts coming out of the blue. I fell asleep after a few seconds, obviously i wasn't at all bothered by the same thought and it's unable to distract me any longer, hopefully..

*******

We were attending a family gathering and he was just sitting right infront of me at the same table. Hardly a word passed in between us. Was hoping to tease out of him about his new girl but his action and stuff convinced me that he is alone but i have no way of finding out the truth. We exchanged uncomfortable glances, that's when i see nothing but sadness in his both eyes. Neither of us wanted to make the first move starting up a conversation. How badly i wanted to just say hi to him when he was happily chatting with my mom. As if suddenly remembering that he meant to be somewhere else, he stood up from his chair and waved good bye to everyone else but me. My heart sank deeply. If i'd stared a moment longer i would have cried with how the thing has radically changed from the way i thought it should be since the beginning. When i was about to turn my sight away from him under the big bright sky as his shadow began to disappear i can see him wiped his tears away secretly from quite a distance and it left me no doubt there's definitely an untold story behind.

 I don't bother to find out why, because he won't tell, and even if he tells, it would be his biggest lie that never change the fact that is happening in between us. 

********

I woke up with a wet pillow. It was the same dream i had half a year ago.
Wiping away my tears and somehow the memory of the dream is fading bit by bit it becomes so sketchy i can't really remember most of it...
I end up the meaningful silence with the biggest smile i can force......

The car headlights

A lesson taught by a friend of mine when he was trying to cheer me up over some negative thoughts i used to have. I thought it makes perfect sense. Oh yea, he used to drive that vintage volvo so i'm using it to play along with that imagination.

************

You are driving on the road with no street lights and barely a car can be seen in the middle of night. Perhaps it's the longest dark desert highway you've ever be on. You're alone in the driver seat of that vintage Volvo, not even a building or house you can see but only dry grasslands and infinity darkness on the either side of the road and occasionally drive past some rocky mountains as wind hitting against the window.

As the visibility getting poorer you're forced to turn on the headlights to see the roadway clearly. Now the time has come for you to choose which headlights are better in this occasion. Low beam headlights, the least bright light that only makes you focus on the short range distance and you have completely no idea what is coming your way as your car moving further. Here, redirect your thought to a different perspective , says life,  your life is heading to nowhere and you're just following your intuition and blindly take the path leading somewhere you not know. You only live in the present and focus on what you're doing without thinking much about things further down the path, 'was' and 'could' never exist in your dictionary, congratulation, now you are obviously another happier person in this world.

You know what needs to be done at the present without worrying things that probably will never happen in future. 

Focus on what you can see, at least, you are happy.

It takes longer time but you will eventually get there.

Back to the road, sitting still in the car, to avoid running into any risk of danger, you decide to use a high beam now with a long range focus, that you can't wait to see what lies ahead of you but one thing, you must have forgotten the 50 feets infront of the car when the vehicle is moving. It lights up a longer distance giving you a bigger picture ahead of the road but the importance of the present moment is what people often scarcely aware. But no matter how, the wider range still has a limit and can't show you the destination you are heading. Instead of appreciating what you're having and being grateful and thankful for things you have been given, you are complaining the maximum speed the Volvo can go as you wonder what's waiting infront of you. The bigger picture ahead is important but what if anything happens within the 50 feets you don't have enough time to prevent every possible danger and road bumps causing you to swerve off the road and the car crashes, and now, you will never reach the destination.

You spend most of the time worrying about things that probably will never happen. 

You're focusing on something that's too far away and apparently oblivious of things you're presently hold.

In the end, you gain nothing.

Either way you will eventually reach the destination, the end of the highway.

In life, you're always given an option to choose. 

The highway..

Sentiment

As much pleasure i've found being alone, I begin to wonder if that's the only way that could set me free from emotional clutter. I can never get rid of anything i once belonged so easily, it's not impossible, though,  just a little hard for me and i usually take longer time than a normal people does. I'm still keeping the cute little blue eraser from my student when i was a part time tuition centre teacher 6 years ago (when i was 19), I'm still keeping that note book from a guy that once sitting next to me in the class, struggling to even write on the first page. I'm still keeping that small teddy bear i once bought for my mom when i was wearing the dark blue uniform that she somehow returned it back to me when i gave her as a birthday gift. I'm still keeping my broken glasses ( three pairs in total ) i used to wear during primary, secondary school, and college. The feeling of grief always return on the death anniversary of my lovely dog buddies or other special things that trigger those memories. (Hey it ryhmes!) Just can't bear to part with them although there's no specific attachment to particular thing. Its hard to discard things that have even a slight meaning to me, to that extreme that I feel sorry the moment i need to discard and replace my lenses after using for a month. Not sure if that's a habit or me being sentimental keeping my life cluttered.

*******

I began wearing this yellow string around my wrist three years ago and it holds a memory that's considerably precious to me. I was having a real hard time cutting it off after so many years not because what people believe of the magic power that gives protection and brings luck. Well it was given to me by someone and it feels as though i'm tossing out the memory and the past if i ever get rid of it.

This day, i have no idea how it fell off on its own when i didn't realized until a few minutes later its been dropped on the floor. How could this possibly happen when it's not being pulled from the hand or made of some materials with weight that come off easily. I guess god is helping me with the decision making as my sentiments have left me undecided for so long. In life we often struggle and eventually give up and wait for some miracles to happen. But this is totally opposite in my case. He is just giving me a helping hand to redirect my mind from being stuck in the dark storm finding my way out. I'm relieved to have this problem solved. It marks an end of what should be over by now and should start making the present count.

Stop worrying. If you're stuck while making a move, someone will always there giving you a pat on your back leading you the way you meant to be.

So now, tell me,

Should i throw it away, or no? 

And now i know,

I'm still being the same old me.

The last email from a typhoon Haiyan Victim

She was in disbelief after learning that she had won a complimentary stay for a suite room and would like to spend her 7th anniversary with her fiancé with a 4 days and 3 nights stay in one of the participating hotels.


"Hi XX team,
I am so happy to found out that I won! Thank you so much for choosing my entry! I've read the mechanics and rule no. 7 states................
I was able to check XXXX booking site and would like to spend our seventh anniversary with a 4/D/3N stay in a XXXX..................

Regards,
XXX "


Those lengthy emails went back and forth for almost a month just to sort this out and during the final stage of finalizing the affair regarding to the prize she'd unexpectedly won, we congratulated her warmly at the final mail communication and it went un-replied ever since.
From all the emails she wrote you can tell the whole thing was full of excitement and so much looking forward to her anniversary celebration when we were at the middle of processing the prize conversion into complimentary suite stay in that particular hotel in Hong Kong. We never failed to receive all her humble responses to each and every single email we sent, which we then found it so unusual she didn't even thank us upon completion of her request to the last email.

It was another afternoon when we received a call from hotel informing us about this member didn't turn up as planned. As it was a complimentary suite stay for 3 nights and the date had been fixed for over a month we can't work out why she failed to turn up.She can't have been that old to not remember her 7th anniversary big day celebration afterall. We assumed it might be some internal communication issues that we have all the things muddled up or she might be experiencing some flight delays or something.

Without wasting a single second we sent an email to her right after in the hope of finding the reason why, to which someone replied, with her email address, after a while :

"Dear XXX,

This is XXX's fiance. She wasn't able to inform you of the reservation cancellation as she has already passed away last November 8, 2013 due to super typhoon Yolanda.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

XXX "

Reading his email with sadness that brings me almost to tears, my heart sinks completely.

Silent as this air, as heavy as the earth, sensing a feeling of profound sorrow from each and every word he wrote in this email.

Feeling the most pain of losing the love of his life, that's the 24 hours of his life he will never able to overturn and bring her back.

No 7th anniversary for them anymore. 

He no longer able to walk her down the aisle making her the happiest bride in this earth anymore.

Their love deserve endless but physically defeated by the unknown.

Expect nothing. Appreciate everything,

While your loved ones are still with us,

Because we will, definitely one day, just a matter of time before the relationship,

defeated by the unknown,

the inevitable death that will drift two persons apart, so far away...forever.

Not only for her, may all the victims who lost their lives in the tragedy rest in peace at the other world.

Try your best to help those who really need,

You can help by donating as much as you can to alleviate their sufferings.

And now you can see...how fortunate we really are.

Wesley & Charlene

Wesley grew up in LA while Charlene shifted to LA at the age of 15. Charlene is merely an acquaintance to Wesley as they both sharing the same college until one day they ended up in the same company, that's when the friendship started.

One thing in common, they both are Chinese.

Wesley was in the center of attention during college because he was just good at everything he did (studies,sports, arts) and of course the perfect height with an athletic build is the added bonus that boost his popularity.
He would have little problems in getting any girls he wants.
But he remains single and not interested with the idea of dating for some reasons.
Wesley seldom speaks to his friends, much less to a girl, but he is not an introvert, just....for some reasons.

Charlene shifted to LA and she's from some asian countries. She has that cheerful and positive personality and you will never forget the dimples on her cheeks whenever she smiles .When it comes to language speaking she has her own accent and having some hard time in communicating most of the time that made her being picked on at class living in the center of a dark. She never gives up learning though. She is pretty, she is tough and she is smart but the only thing that brings her down is the ability of communicating and writing in english.
The basic thing she needs to master in order to survive in LA.

********
Working in the same company and soon they became friends but barely share a word in between. It's driving herself insane knowing that she could be friend with Wesley as she admires him the most since college until now. She always making sure to have the best look of the day and think twice before doing anything to create a perfect impression of herself to get all his attention.

It's driving her even crazier receiving some encouragement or meaningful videos from Wesley occasionally to build up her confidence and Charlene would reply a thank-you note with all the smiley faces hoping to get a reply from him, even just a smiley face.

But one thing she doesn't understand is that Wesley never bother to reply her text or even if he does it will be only yes, no, or okay, nothing more than a single word.
How badly she hopes they could have a simple conversation in between.

Drew by Mimi Choi (LA)

So this day, she went hiking alone. Standing on top of the mountain, again she received a video from Wesley asking her not to give up whenever everyone looks down on her. 

She then replied :
"I feel so high now, thank you for your video again."
Received no response, as expected.

She never receives anything from Wesley eversince. A radical change when Wesley doesn't smile and ignore her whenever she looks at him that makes her feels so helpless and hopeless. She starts feeling invisible and she decided to have a face-to-face confrontation with him.

********
He showed her the message she replied that day and it shocked her a great deal knowing that Wesley got it wrongly. Before she could explain he interrupted by saying:
" I hope you understand i don't want to be in any relationship and i don't think it's appropriate for a girl to send this kind of message to a guy, you should have some self-respect."

Drew by Mimi Choi (LA)

It feels awful. It hits her like a tons of brick and she feels humiliated by him and gives up the idea of explaining.
That only makes her decides to work harder on anything that she's lacking.
She filled her downtime by learning english, learning to cope through it, and starts working on herself and just live a happy life.

Drew by Mimi Choi (LA)

Significant improvement achieved within few months.
She starts being herself without worrying how Wesley or people look or think about her.
She speaks naturally, act normally, just being herself and she's now comfortable with her surroundings and surprisingly this makes the gap between Wesley and herself becomes closer than ever.

A day during dinner, beating the fear she finally explained the embarrassment she caused over the phone few months ago.To which he replied:
"I knew everything, it just a way to trigger your determination and i want you to be yourself but not living a life under people's shadow."
"And you know, i've always admired your courage and positive attitude of learning and living."
She broke into tears.


He starts sending more-than-a-word messages, starts asking her out, and starts sending her gifts.

Until one day, something breaks the meaningful silence,

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wesley : Would you be my girl ?
Charlene....Yes.

Drew by Mimi Choi (LA)

A true story happened in my dream last night.
We need to be true to ourselves to be happy.
Be true to ourselves, and someone will be true to you.

The weird dream

There's this one super weird dream i had last night that i was trapped in a two-story huge house running around to make sure i won't get killed. At first i was with a group of friends helping each other to escape (that part of memory has gone way too sketchy now that i can't remember anything in details) and then after it changes to a scene where my mom involved i needed to get her out of this scary house thenceforth becoming a She-Thor in saving the world.

Wait...there's this pretty young girl of which i soon realized she is one of the killer's daughter trying to rescue us.
And this part is so random that i can see no connection to the whole of it.

Climbing up the stairs i saw a big wooden coffin placed right at the side of the barred windows. Blood was everywhere. A few guys were hiding the corpses and to be exact, throwing them one by another (i still remember that scene and the faces) in a super deep coffin before it changes again to another scene where the bodies were hidden in the house basement and this reminded me of the Conjuring, the wooden house, the basement, the.......

It woke me up in the middle of night, to my relief it wasn't the same dream that woke me up anymore.

Well, a very strange dream..what does my dream mean?
I've been having the similar dream for more than a few times making is less of a shock and sometimes it took place in my old house i used to live.


Main point is, each time, Devils were defeated.

I do not own this picture

开心，真的那么难吗？

开心，真的那么难吗？

我的记忆好像一直停留在一年前的情景。。。

快乐的记忆，就从那个时刻从此暂停了。。。

在英国读书的时候，我的生活就好像童话故事一般那么的完美，

每天临睡起床，我都会感恩祈祷，

会很好奇为什么我的生活可以那么的完美无缺，

没有一天是不感恩我所拥有的。

但是，

不知何故，上天发脾气了，

从那一天开始，我渐渐忘记了去祈祷，

所以他决定没收他曾经给我的一切，

从此快乐不再属于我。。。

我什么都有，而且是最好的我知道，

但只欠快乐，

有时我宁愿什么都没有，

只要快乐就行了。。

我看似快乐，内心的挣扎被隐藏着，

我不寂寞，只是有点孤单，

给自己的执著害了一生，

要的一切，从来都不难得手，

唯有这一次，竟然败给了自己。

可能，我要求的一切太高了？

开心，

真的有那么难吗？