ONCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, ONCE I WAS

Once I was 7 years old, 

I was like some other kids who dread going to school pretty much every single day. I remember I have this one girl in my class, since I will always consider the one I spend my most time with to be my “best friend” but I’m pretty sure I was not hers. I couldn’t remember the details of why she didn’t feel the same and yeah it’s true that she was the one I first met and made friends with in the class but doesn’t mean that I have to borrow or rather “give” her whatever new stationery I kept in my small little wooden pencil box that I find it too cool for a student at my age.  
I hope all the mosquitoes come and fly at your ear with their high pitch annoying buzzing sound every night when you sleep.
Once I was 7 years old.

Once I was 10 years old, 

My teacher told me, “ Stop being violent or you’ll be grounded for the rest of the year”. During my first 3 years of primary I was with this teacher who didn’t quite like me and I got grounded by being ‘violent’ – yeah you read it correctly - just because I was having a small fight with this girl who ‘borrowed and later claimed that it’s hers’ my black mechanical pencil my mom bought for me a day before. I ended up sitting in front of the class at the top left corner which I don’t think it’s a logical move for punishment, never. Imagine when we were told to copy down whatever written on the blackboard. No, I didn’t get my pencil back and will never be.
I still remember your name you little thief and and i'll keep it until the judgment day comes. 

Once I was 15 years old, 

I was the one that being picked on during my first 2 years in this girls highschool, probably because I don’t have this chubby face bigger eyes good grades or whatever you need to have to get popular in school – I have crooked teeth with braces, old school glasses with the string attached to each side, somewhat 'burnt'' yeah i mean dark, very skinny, and very tall.  So again I made friends with this girl who was sitting next to me in the class whom I considered as “my another best friend” which I later found out her sister was one of the biggest gangster in school that everyone scares to mess up with. As how the dramatic scene often shown in the movie I was threatened by her sister to beat me up because she received a complaint from her sister aka “my best friend” that I didn’t buy her the zodiac tarot cards that I WASN’T even asked to.

If this can be an issue try la imagine my life getting stuck with her in the same class for the good 3 years.

Go take the elevator to the 15th floor and jump. Please.

Once I was 20 years old, 

Everybody told me “You’ll be meeting your first love when you get into college.” Trust me, 5 years of being stuck in the girls school is beyond enough. I became a different person and the centre of attention for some reason when I first joined.  I started wearing contacts, kissed my braces goodbye, re-gained my lost confidence by being selected as top 10 finalists for whatever event they were organizing during my first year in college. Lucky bitch.

Finally, my time has come.

Ive learned a new thing during my life in college.  If there’s no chemistry in between, there isn’t. Don’t feel sorry for all the guys you have ever rejected.  

Made friends with a lot of interesting people, showered with love, attention given by friends ( hurm I mean all my crush ). Yes, I love my college life.

When i was 24 years old, 

I always had that dream, to go live and work abroad all by my own, cause I know I love going outside travelling all around the world to feed my curiosity, again yes, by myself. 

The first heart break is always the worst, I’m so glad I’ve experienced it because as cliché as it may sound, what doesn’t kill you by all means making you grow stronger.

Soon I’ll be 35 years old, 

Im still learning about life, wondering if I will end up sharing my future with the one that I love, wondering if I ever had opportunity to spend my new year eve counting down in NYC watching the Time Square balldrop while kissing the one I love as the snow begins to fall from the sky.

Soon we will be 50 years old,

my best friend once told me “ we will still go for a morning jog every morning or we will be getting free breakfast from those who bail on us. “ Girls I hope you are sure and you remember our promises as we get older.

Soon I will be 60 years old, 

I wish you can still put your arm around me and give me a kiss on my forehead like how you did for the first time, reminiscing about the good old days we have shared on the front porch of our little house with our grandchildren running and chasing each other as the sky slowly turns dark.

Soon I will be 60 years old

“ Will you still be mine when we are both 60 years old ? “

Once i was 7 years old.

That's my version of 7 years.

7 years - Lukas Graham

THOUGHT : COMPARATIVE FEELINGS

Again, someone shared something to me tonight and that somehow triggered a strong memory. This is so exhausting and it bothers me a lot i want to just keep my life simple and not think about what i could have done to change things from the past. I wish i could stop time. Truth is, it will never be again what it was. The thing is, he made it hard for me to see the light in myself no matter how strong and bright they were before. It happens too often, one day you're the happiest person ever and the next day you find yourself feeling so low and hating yourself for whatever reason.  It's not the worst kind of self-hatred anyway, but i don't ever want to make comparison and feel like i'm in a haze where nothing is important to me in the current life i'm leading.


It's just so hard to keep all the negative feelings at a distance.


I just don't see myself as good enough to just focus on what truly matters to me. Instead, i care too much about what's going on around me and as absurd as it may sound, their opinions,  and that's a killer weapon that would easily affect the choices and decisions i make in life. Everyone can just easily hate what they don't know, they dislike you, they judge you, and they hate you without any apparent reason. You feel low, depressed, isolated, and you allow your emotions to be affected, you allow it to happen, and it will continue making you feel even more difficult to feel better about yourself, keep thinking of what you could've done to alter things for the better, to what you think it supposed to be after you've wasted all the opportunities and chances to be what you wanted to be.

Oftentimes we wish to have and be like others, so we compare ourselves to someone who has all the qualities and that kind of life we admire, and we strive to make ourselves achieve better success in all ways.


Here, the jealous thoughts and feelings creep in.


You feel insecure about yourself, starting to blame yourself. You let your ego get ahead of you, sabotaging your current life forcing and pushing yourself beyond your limits. You're trapped in your own comparative thoughts. You just can't seem to focus anymore.


You lose everything, including yourself.  


You don't know what to do anymore. You achieve nothing in your life.
"If you feel low about yourself you have to do something about it." Rachel said.


I hope i have the courage to start all over again and start focusing on myself to what i really want to do.


And that's just my own wishful thinking.

THOUGHT : REMINISCENCE

I miss the car you used to drive me around in the town looking for a cup of hot chocolate with that song by Kelly Clarkson playing in the car. 

I miss sitting in the car waiting for the garage door in the car basement to open up revealing to the cold weather outside the house before we heading out with no specific destination.

I miss the brisk walk early in the morning watching those elderly couple strolling in the park.

I miss celebrating my mom's birthday in the Salmon house up in the hill when it got colder at night with those stars started to shine so bright in the darkness of space. 

I miss holding a cup of hot Tim Horton sitting from far infront of the lake watching airplanes taking off from the runway and slowly vanishes into the beautiful sky of that evening. 

I miss playing basketball at the court just right infront of the house with the sun shining down on me during that cold summer. 

I miss the old times,

Yeah..i'm missing you already...

The meaningful silence

I pondered for a moment whether i should start checking out the updates or just ignore and move on the the next picture posted by the others. In the end i settled for just putting my phone aside and some memories started to form at the back of my mind. It was around 1.30am, and i have all the bad thoughts coming out of the blue. I fell asleep after a few seconds, obviously i wasn't at all bothered by the same thought and it's unable to distract me any longer, hopefully..

*******

We were attending a family gathering and he was just sitting right infront of me at the same table. Hardly a word passed in between us. Was hoping to tease out of him about his new girl but his action and stuff convinced me that he is alone but i have no way of finding out the truth. We exchanged uncomfortable glances, that's when i see nothing but sadness in his both eyes. Neither of us wanted to make the first move starting up a conversation. How badly i wanted to just say hi to him when he was happily chatting with my mom. As if suddenly remembering that he meant to be somewhere else, he stood up from his chair and waved good bye to everyone else but me. My heart sank deeply. If i'd stared a moment longer i would have cried with how the thing has radically changed from the way i thought it should be since the beginning. When i was about to turn my sight away from him under the big bright sky as his shadow began to disappear i can see him wiped his tears away secretly from quite a distance and it left me no doubt there's definitely an untold story behind.

 I don't bother to find out why, because he won't tell, and even if he tells, it would be his biggest lie that never change the fact that is happening in between us. 

********

I woke up with a wet pillow. It was the same dream i had half a year ago.
Wiping away my tears and somehow the memory of the dream is fading bit by bit it becomes so sketchy i can't really remember most of it...
I end up the meaningful silence with the biggest smile i can force......

Nostalgia

 Missing the good old days spending with those precious people
#throwback

That's my mom and uncle in the house =) Miss it so much.

I wish i could've stayed longer at here and also,

wish i had never gone to UK, a place that triggers all the painful memories.

Am glad everything is over by now,

apparently...

Are you one of them that being picked on in class?

I dreamt about this girl last night but before that, i'm sure there's always someone in your class that everyone picks on during your younger age.

So, true enough. I have this girl in my class during my first 2 years of preschool. It was ME!. It's not my fault i don't have that round face with chubby cheeks, an overweight body and a brain of Einstein for scoring my Maths or Ejaan and i can never understand why people will only think fat kids are adorable and cute.Excuse me for being left-handed and skinny who looks weird in class.A bunch of jerks,so immature. LOL!
Not only this, i still remember that i spent the first half year sitting alone in-front of the class at the top corner of my classroom and imagine when we were asked to copy anything from the blackboard, that's when I have to carry my table and chair to a spot where i can read clearly and each time ended up getting all the unnecessary attention from students of other classes who passed by.
But there's a reason for this. I was having a big fight like monkeys fighting for coconuts with this girl and eventually i won that fight leaving her crying like a baby looking for mommy. Oh yeah, she's a good liar too! She retorted the fact and surprisingly everyone believes including my mom! (Hey mom come on i'm your daughter eh...). So i was literally isolated from the group of people for being "violent kid".(Dude serious? i never even throw bricks to her face and i was only 8 !) 
Worse, this teacher was with me for three years and that girl? She wins all the cares and attention from people but not the PRIDEEEEEE from me. But who cares?

Face the facts.Karma does exist. I started to believe that i was being a little rude to her during that day in preschool. And this time it was my first year of secondary and again i got picked on for being 'extremely tall' by a bunch of girls in my class. Yeah i'm left-handed, wearing big glasses, braces, skinny, 'extremely tall', tan skin...A lot of them in my class call me "airport" though i don't think they have big breasts too, it might have been funny the first couple of times but then it really started to get on my nerves.They also make fun of me being the only left-handed in class! Believe it or not i can use both hands to write, i'm just being humble to you douchebag! LOL

Back to the point, it was my biggest mistake in life for making a new friend who thinks she is a queen on earth, and sadly, i'm the one closest to her and i didn't know why until......

She accidentally drop her pen on the floor and she EXPECTS me to pick it up for her !

She crumbles a piece of paper and put it on my desk and EXPECTS me to throw it away for her !

We became close to a point where we can trust each other and share everything together when a day she asked if i could give her a piece of my collection as a gift (HELL NO OF COURSE THOSE COLLECTION ARE MY BABIES I CAN EVEN DIE FOR NOT PARTING THEM) and of course i have the right to say No and what next? She stopped talking to me for a few hours and that's the calm before the storm. She then threw a freaking tantrum and breaking all the things on her table including mine.Wow. Possession. Monster. Run ! 

Me : What's wrong with you Tan PXX CXXXX ! Do you think you're a queen or something? I'm not your slave and i have no obligation to obey a monster like you!  
Then she goes : I'm going to tell my sister about it ! Then cry.
Me : (Sister? Grandmother i also never afraid of you la.) Heart whispering.

Jialat. I kind of regretted the next day and wish i would have worded it nicely to stop her from crying because a lady came to my class, with her rolled up sleeves, chewing something inside her mouth like a typical gangster threatened to beat me up and passed a note to me later saying : You better watch out for bullying my sister.!

Walao What the fuck is going on with this world wor? Why people always lie and got me into trouble?
I later found out that her sister is one of the top paikia-s (gangster) who's having her last year in school with a lot of naughty gangs worship her or afraid to mess up with her for some reasons i wasn't interested to know. See how lucky am i having HER younger sister as my FRIEND! Let me just tell you i have to spend the rest of my days in school of first year treating her like master and sometimes have to kiss her ass (totally against my will) just to live in peace and make sure i'm safe going back home in one piece.By having to do this i even chastise myself aloud. I have been having a horrible first half year in school and good luck to myself whenever she and her gang passing by. When i try to tell my mom about my problem and wish i could change to another school, she will never believe and ask me to suck it up to be a tough girl in handling this normal issue. ( NORMAL? MOM IM BEING BULLIED AND YET YOU TELL ME IT'S NORMAL?) LOL
Sometimes i love my mom so much i can't explain why.

So this is that girl i dreamt about last night. God bless me she finally found someone "better" to be her friend the second year of sec, god bless the next victim and i'm totally free from serving a DEMON anymore and i met a lot of new and wonderful people in another class. I'm laughing and feeling grateful for having such 'great' experiences in school i can never forget. And i have no idea how these people that i have mentioned above are all now ended up in my FB friend list. Quite fun eh stalking and judging their photos. LOL.

Her name, i will never forget, Eloisa. *Evil Smile 

What are you still have to complain?

"Why is this happening only to me?!"

"Mom just leave me alone i need some time to get my thing done or else im gonna be in a deep shit.!"
"This is so not right how can they make a mistake like that!!!"
"Why is everything going wrong for me?I hate when this happens!How unlucky i am!!!!"
A deeper voice from mom then saying:"X is suffering from cancer for already few years,she hasnt slept for more than a few minutes since the day she was diagnosed with cancer.She is there fighting for life and suffering every single minute.Is this what you can only think of keep complaining and resenting being unlucky when there are much more unfortunate people out there suffering from illness?shortage of food?or finding a shelter just to stay?"

I didnt reply her.I feel something very strong from my heart.Her words make me realise how fortunate already i am to be who i am what i am having now.I know i have gone too far whatever i did this morning i just cant help this feeling.I have been taking my anger out on everyone else thinking why am i so unlucky to have everything all messed up but after a deeper thought.i know i have actually brought this all to myself.*If i hadnt lost.....overlooked...If i hadnt.....*
I still have some memories about her coming to our house for mahjong especially during chinese new year.She played day in and day out and kinda obsessed to it i dont know why.She has a very loud voice you can hear even in a distance and i couldnt for the life of me figure out a healthy person like her would suffer from cancer now.

"If you think you had it bad when everything is going against you right now,you should try being stuck in the illness for the rest of your life." Mom said.
I feel guilty and regretful for complaining and grumbling when there are much more people who deserve the attention and they are there living their lives happily and positively.

"The chances of her living more than a few years are low,only hoping she could suffer less before she dies."
Credits to those cancer fighters who are fighting for their lives,the will to survive is so strong and they never surrender though the fight rages day and night.To X, thanks for giving me a valuable lesson in my life and you will never be forgotten.You taught me a lesson in life.You are one of my drives to live happily and be satisfy with whatever i have.

*May god bless those unfortunate people as they deserve more cares and happiness.


Jessyca

Who am i lately?I don know myself anymore.

Everyone always tells me I am a nice person and everything, but I refuse to believe them, and instead choose to believe that they are just trying to be nice. All the things I tell myself keep me from really doing what I want to do, but I just don’t see myself as good enough. Out of everybody, there is only one person truly holding me back, and that is myself.

I am my worst enemy because I mess up everything I try to do. I am a danger to myself because my mind always starts to wander. I have no self-confidence to do anything. No one treats me as bad as myself. No one has physically hurt me as I’ve hurt myself. No one constantly puts me down as I do myself. No one tells me im not capable as I tell myself. No one thinks the bad things about me that I think myself, I think that qualifies me for being my own worst enemy when sometimes I can be my own best friend too. I don’t share my feelings with others but myself…before writing it up and down in my diary. I express my emotions on paper, filled with rage, passion ,lust, hatred, happiness and sadness, leaving the trace of  few drops of dried tears making my story more lively.

I have been feeling overwhelmed by everything going on in my life lately. I just wish I could feel better. I wish I could be like my last time, a happy me that never afraid of doing anything , most importantly I didn’t even give a damn about what people think about what am I doing, as long as I think I am doing the right thing for myself.

The first step of everything is the hardest, If I believe I can, I should trust myself, I can. I constantly tell myself I will get the whole world in future if I could bear through the pain in my chest with a deadline. The three words that keep me going on with my life: I must, I will, I can…from a friend who had suffered more pain than I do with the same issue.”If I can, why can’t you ? ”I sometimes just forgot how fortunate I am to be someone like myself.  I shouldn’t have given up the whole world because of this thing that is happening. The biggest enemy I have to contend with is my own self, and it’s a killer.

I know I’ve brought this all on myself. 

Don’t say I am fantastic with the things I am not good at, Don’t say I am perfect with the things I don’t, I know, it just that you are too polite to embarrass me.

I hate my life , I hate myself .

life aint easy yet interesting

Life aint getting any better.Everything turns out evil last night.I aint putting the blame to else one.It reminded me of few days ago when i still managed to have a small talk with this pretty tough girl only moments before the offduty hour she told me life aint always what you think its easy but you can alter to the way you wanted it to be.Consequences of everything appear in your life is depends on what you've done with it.

Yesterday night after a movie i returned all the way from PJ when my cellphone was out of battery.The time already turned 12am when i was still sitting alone in the car patiently waiting for the traffic to move.It turned out to be 3 hours when it supposed to be only less than half and hour journey back home. 2am,and my mom was laying in the couch waiting for me.She read me the riot act after she found out i lied to her.

Im just about had enough that day.

Im grounded for few weeks.No car.

I just dont get it whatever i do i disappoint someone.
i can make this right.

What is up?

Just returning from my morning shift's working at reception before getting ready for my next school session for 2 hours.What a tiring and hectic schedule but i always remind myself to take it in a positive way that i have at least spent my time with something worthwhile,instead of sleeping my life away doing nothing. As i mentioned earlier and it still goes the same somehow, i dont really appreciate the moment working together with freshie as i eventually found out i was in more trouble and having everything messed up especially during a high turnover period. Having a noob helper around is definitely not working,instead,you would end up a lot of extra works.

Ended up skipping my lecture at 2 by replacing it with my truckloads assignment and 'self-improvement' konon session at Starbuck, a place i often spend there alone when i have nothing in particular to do. Dont ever count it this way of losing few bucks for one visit.Think it in positive way of giving away few bucks to earn a great deal of knowledge and spaces for yourself, trust me, worth it.

Another note, I failed deeply in my relationship matter. It was so sad to know that his mom was against the idea of him getting an older girlfriend of his age. Good thing he doesnt seem at all bothered with this kinda matter. When it comes to a matter that involves the decision of family, well it's definitely a whole lot more tougher than i thought it would be.

***
Victor,already returned back to Vancouver from his short break yesterday. No biggie cause anyhow I'll be there again real soon.

Im sitting here for over 5 hours and my mind just can't stop worrying about my band competition next week. God blesssssss meeee plsssssssssssss