THOUGHT : A BRAND NEW 2016

Has it really been 3 months since my last post? Shame on me. Reflecting back on my past year i'm psychologically flooded with memories and emotions, and i have so much to be thankful for. As the days grow even shorter and we are entering the 3rd month of the year, my only hope for this brand new year is to be more persistent in achieving my goals, find balance in my life leaving space for those i truly care about, and stop taking every single thing for granted because as dramatic as it may sound, i'm already 27 i feel like i have wasted my whole life living the opposite way of how i wanted. 

Things were so different back then. We can just simply avoid things that scare us believing that we are not old enough to deal with all kind of stress. As we grow older we are afraid of the unknown, and we refuse to change, fear of things being different from how we liked them. I'm not expecting this year to be any different but we shall learn how to start diverting the focus from ego driven perspective to what's truly valuable in life - love, joy and experience. don't obsess about what other people think and feel about you and most importantly, embrace your flaws and accept yourself for who you are.  

Hope everyone had a wonderful Chinese New Year celebration in their respective corner of the world. 

NOSTALGIC - Afterwerk

Had a total blast last Monday night meeting with all the new people and at the same time reconnecting back with all the old ones. This certainly brings back lotsa good memories of me performing with my band on the stage shouting at the top of lungs back then in college having the certain crowd shouting my name throughout my performance – something which I rarely have time to do it again since the last year of competition back in 2011. Too bad I didn’t bring my camera otherwise I have more clearer pictures to post =(

Thanks Vincent for the invitation ( to watch his cousin which is also my friend’s playing gig in Afterwerk at Scott Garden ) and thanks Henry for giving me a ride there and sending me home. Can’t express enough how grateful I was to be there spending my quality time with all the great legendary musicians, ahh…officially missing all the good old days with all the bandmates mannn, time flies. 4 years gone in an eye blink.  The best part about this night was definitely the opportunity of meeting a lot of new faces ( some are famous Djs, singers, bandperformers, songwriters, etc ) Good for Henry la since he’s starting his own music business plan and needing a lot of musicians at this very first stage to create an even larger social circle to expand his business plan.

The highlight of the show is of course our taiko Aryton’s band called -No Tyra- ( read it backward and you’ll know why ) we were all gone so fucking crazy right when his band rocking their first song on the stage. Speaking of this legend Aryton once my competitor back in the college 4 years ago for the Unplugged band competition and he totally deserve to win the first place beating the rest of us ( And still remember I got too addicted to champagne souernova right after hearing his band perfoeming this song and even played it solo for some of my past solo-performances) Shiok Wey.!

Side note his family damn supportive wan especially the parents I can say his whole kampung was there in the club ( feels like I am the outsider intruding his territory ) to watch him and his band perform on the stage then this cb Vincent ( Aryton’s cousin which is also my friend ) busy introducing me to all his friends and relatives ( I think he has over 100 cousins there supporting Aryton I can’t really remember their names ) What a huge family man so jealous.

No words to describe, just pure awesome ! Thanks again for the night guys ! 

Gefühle ( Mandarin )

夜深人静总会让人想起往事。让一幕幕的反映在脑海里有如昨天才发生。

冷风吹过这寂静的小巷，经过一盏盏的街灯一步步的走向那有一大片草原的公园，什么都不想，只要可以静静的一个人在这夜晚坐着，再来一杯热腾腾的巧克力，

在这寂静寒冷的夜想起你我之间的往事，就已经感觉到无比的幸福了。

你现在还好吗？多年没见，你又消瘦了吗？你的背骨痛还有隐隐作痛吗？

或许我最想知道的是，你还记得我吗？

这个公园让我回想起以前我们经常下课后都去闲聊的那附近的公园，我们俩都穿着不用颜色的毛衣，在冷冷的天气来一杯热咖啡一直到天黑才慢慢的走回家。

一切都不同了，悉尼的天气不比英国冷，但此刻的心情莫名其妙的被这寒冷的夜给冻结了。

我庆幸我怀念的，是那个回忆，而不是曾经去过世界各地的你。

想起那痛苦的回忆，我嘴角扬起了一边偷笑着，不再是眼泪从眼角滑落到脸上了。

哭过，痛过，经历过，才会长大。

我其实还欠你一句谢谢你， 因为有你才有现在的我，也一直是在进步的我自己。

好了，不多想了，将这充满回忆的公园再次收在心里，我不丢，我不弃，也不会把它给忘记，

你就就只要静静的留在里面让我偶尔在冷天里感受到你的温暖就好了。

One day in Black town

 I am not gonna put much words in this post because I'm just feeling extremely lazy to think and write.

The double decker train that brings us to one point from another. Exactly one hour journey from wynyard to black town followed by few minutes bus ride before we reach. I fell asleep so quickly at my window seat with the sunlight came in through the window beaming down on the face.

Went to the featherdale wildlife park and I'll update all the high quality photos from camera real soon in another post ( i don't want to go through all the hassle posting everything using my phone ). 

One of the pictures we took during the visit. He got caught red handed of stealing. 

Take some photos while waiting for the bus to arrive. 

Cathedral is one of the must-visit-places whenever I go. 

"Thing has to fall apart to make ways for better things." I'm constantly reminded of this. 

The sky is getting dark and weather is getting so cold when the time is approaching 5 in this evening. 

Walking around hunting for foods in this evening. Yes, I'm wearing my short pants and regretting it right after. 

Pizza to satisfy our cravings! Awesome food, awesome night. 

The inner sorrow

The fireworks in Darling Harbour

It brings back memories of UK the moment I walk on the rowdy street ordering some foods and tuck away the whole piece with a sip of hot chocolate under the hot sun of this summer. It makes me missing something even more as the cold wind blowing through my hair. Somehow the freezing temperature isn't helping much in freezing my mind stopping the past memories flooding in. We went to the darling harbour by ferry to enjoy the weekend fireworks in this evening. For some reason the fish and chips makes the pain way even worse. The more determined i am to reach the finish line, the harder it forces me to stay stuck at the starting point.

 - things have to fall apart to make ways for better things -

 

One creepy photo of mine to end the night. 

THOUGHT : THE SENTIMENT

It's 1.47am right now, it's pouring outside, probably the best time to get into my bed with my blanket covered all over my body. I'm in my office right now, i can't sleep, simply because i can't. People say rainy day is the best time that makes yourself lock in the emotions of the past, and also that's when all the memories come flooding back, especially the bad ones. I couldn't agree more, and i couldn't be more thankful enough for the past that shape who i am today.
*Jeez do i really need to deal with these emotional stuff in this hour?

Turning my attention back to something else, don't mind me stray off a little, it's now about the job that i'm doing.

Another gone, i sigh.
Not only the bond we share,
This person lives two hours opposite direction of my way,
The meet up will be not nearly as much as we did last time.

On a side note,

It will be not long before my turn to be in the graveyard rotation, which i'm in the middle struggling right now since day one i started.

What else?

Guess that's all about it.

P/S: Please excuse my negative content correlation of this post i just simply write out anything that comes into mind in no particular order. You might get confused because one isn't relating to the next and so on. But if you're now happen to be reading this, i thank you.

I'm done with my mumbo jumbo it's time to get back to work.

It still pouring outside,

heavily in this night,

I rhymed.

NOSTALGIC - THE EMAIL

"Heeey it's been a while just writing an email to make sure you're doing good. How have you been ?"

*hitting the backspace button

"Heey it's been quite a while how are you? Guess you're doing super good?"

*hitting the backspace button

"Hey, how are you? Still remember me? " Nooo...

*hitting the backspace button

"Hey ssup, how you doing? " Wait...

*hitting the backspace button

"Hey ssup ?"

*hitting the backspace button

"Hey!"

*hitting the backspace button, pondered for a moment, and hit the close button turning my attention to other site right away.

It took me quite a long time to finally decide not to send out this email. I mean, it's nothing wrong to send an email seeing how he's doing, i just can't bring myself to get back in touch with him just yet. Probably, i need more time to make sure i'm all good to not get into any state of negativity as i just suddenly reminded of that point of my life when my feelings kept going back and forth which is nothing but a pure torturing to my emotions and was literally heading nowhere for geez, such a long time. I will never forget the moment i was given a cold shoulder when trying every possible way to patch things up.

That feeling just...so exhausting i don't ever want to feel it again, anymore, ever.

I just don't know what i should react to his reply, if only he did.
Or i foresee myself to might have ended up waiting for the reply day and night and can't even go to bed without checking my inbox making sure that there's "nothing'' new in my inbox.

It isn't much of a surprise for myself still feeling in such a way because i'm an emotional libra with all those, i would say, positive trait, tend to hold on to things, especially relationship, for so long even if it's gone for quite a long time. I sometimes still find myself crying over the death of my doggie 8 years ago, all i know is that i am just missing Poppy ( dog ) too much i don't even want to forget every single detail about him.

Same applies to all my previous relationships :)


Guess I should now go back to play with my piano before i get too sentimental, just for this night.

THOUGHT : REMINISCENCE

I miss the car you used to drive me around in the town looking for a cup of hot chocolate with that song by Kelly Clarkson playing in the car. 

I miss sitting in the car waiting for the garage door in the car basement to open up revealing to the cold weather outside the house before we heading out with no specific destination.

I miss the brisk walk early in the morning watching those elderly couple strolling in the park.

I miss celebrating my mom's birthday in the Salmon house up in the hill when it got colder at night with those stars started to shine so bright in the darkness of space. 

I miss holding a cup of hot Tim Horton sitting from far infront of the lake watching airplanes taking off from the runway and slowly vanishes into the beautiful sky of that evening. 

I miss playing basketball at the court just right infront of the house with the sun shining down on me during that cold summer. 

I miss the old times,

Yeah..i'm missing you already...

I had this dream about you last night and woke up telling myself it wasn't true before the memories come flooding back to haunt me. 

Back and forth we exchanging our emails until the point when i realised, which is one strange feeling that keeps reminding the bond in between us has broken since long i can no longer call you mine as much as i wish i could. 

And of course, it was just my wishful thinking of you to be back by my side.

I force myself to open my eyes,

Telling myself that everything will be okay when you wake up to reality.

I woke up with the sun shining through my window,

The first time i smile, thinking of you.

They say good things happen for those who wait.
I didn't doubt nor did i believe because i am still with nothing after waiting for 25 years.
I am exactly turning into 25 after this coming October.
25 years sound a little too long for my wish to come true isn't it?
Oh, did i just say my wish?
Without doing anything and just wait for it to come?
Oh not again, this is so exhausting i don't want to keep going on with the train of imaginations

*being pulled back to the reality
Ahh..another working day tomorrow. It's time to go sleep.

Something about being outdoors just makes me feel really happy.

Not necessarily in the cafe, and i'm talking about going to the garden or park during the summer.

I will just close my eyes, and either listen to my surroundings or listen to some songs from my ipod, 

Being happy is very important because when you so caught up with stress you feel like you don't remember how happy is like anymore. (which sounds really sad but its so true a lot of ppl go through it ) and its really important to find your happy place because when you're happy you tend to come out with better idea and you're more accepting to new ideas.

Another thing i like to do when i'm having my day off is to bring my work to a cafe or just anywhere where i'm not home to work on it instead.

Sometimes, you just have to get out of the house because being in the house, believe it or not, can actually really stress you out too.

And lets say if you're someone that don't like to work outside like when you're out you just want to enjoy your time, you can just bring a notepad with you just in case you see anything that inspires you or any kind of idea that comes through your mind you can write it down so you don't forget it or you can try to do this one thing which is my favorite, randomly doodling things while all the good ideas come to your mind.

Thanks for the idea, weylie. 
That's what i always doing to let inspiration come to me. 

I finally come to the city you're staying in,
I settle down myself in one of the nice coffee shops, order a cup of hot macchiato,
Turning on the screen of my laptop,
Sipping my cup of coffee, enjoying the sounds of birds chirping,
In this hot summer,
With that average temperature and i love it,
When the strong wind blows through my hair.

A thought suddenly comes across,
Will you suddenly appear in the same coffee shop?
And if you do,
Will you come near and help yourself with the seat just right infront of me,
Smiling, and say hello to me?
Holding my hands tighly,
And say you do miss me a lot like i do?
Nah...
That's just my wishful thinking.
We both understand that this is not gonna happen ever again in our lives ever since we decided to stop working this out.

Even when you think you have built the strong foundation as strong as you would like it to be, remember, nothing is permanent, they might still leave, and choose to forget and let go everything, including the bond you both shared. I always believe it happens for a reason and as i always say, it's definitely for the best though it costs me a lot at the end. Good things yet to come, but i'm sorta running out of patience at the moment.

Today could be prettier if not for the emotional thought,
Well, it's gonna be another long day for me today...
But i'm too busy to get emotional just yet, maybe later...

I should go listen some songs from my playlist,
And yeah...not forgetting my cup of hot coffee and my slice of chocolate indulgence that's being served at the right time to distract my thought, just a little, which is, good enough to me.

Sitting at the couch with a glass of 'wine' ,
Looking out of the wall glass window,
enjoying the city view of this beautiful place,
perhaps is the best thing to do when something bad crossing your mind.
I don't drink, that's what people often don't believe when they want to buy me some alcoholic beverages, And when I say I don't, I really mean it.
It's not wine in my glass, but the espresso I made it myself from the room and sip it using another glass as substitute.
Things I used to say I won't and I don't, I mean it till the day I die.
I don't remember things that broke our trust and the bond we've shared together, I only know, no matter what, it's for the best of our lives.
It's so amazing that our paths were once aligned together and though it has broken into two, or maybe more than that,
I'll be thankful for that, for happening at least once in my life.

A bunch of them storm into the coffee shop, in the same uniform that looks so familiar to me and it took me a while to remember, "ohh, that's the uniform for hospitality students from my ex-college." Talking to myself. The perfect match of grey top and black long pants, reminded me of those days when I was in the same college wearing our very own uniforms, the black silk blouse with that grey knee length skirt not forgetting the black pantyhose and that killing heels, those are the things I used to hate wearing but now, jeez, since when I'm missing it so badly I wish to wear it everyday to work. I stare at one of them and we accidentally exchange glances with a smile, she belongs to that rowdy group talking and laughing so loud with their jokes that soon becomes the attention of everyone in that coffee shop, the topic they are sharing among the group is so much close to those my group of friends used to share, we gave comments about our bad teacher, bad subject, bad schedule, hot guys and girls in the class etc, those are the things I can never forget. I miss my friends, and I know they miss me too.
* beep beep
"hey we have another gathering the beginning of June! Letz! I look at the message with the biggest smile of the day...

It's like the certain moment that's being cursed, you get that one kind of feeling during the specific time of day. As to me, that's the night for me to kill, or rather, that hour before I sleep to end up the long day. No songs tonight because I need to learn not to become so dependent on something to work out that happiness. Somehow I refuse to learn, at least I've tried, and decided not to push myself too hard too far because one day I'll eventually grow up with a wider thought and vision, not only to me, but everyone else in this world. It's getting late now I shall go bed and stop torturing my brain. It'd be great if someone willing to ship me some candies acting as a sweetener to my bitter thought of the night.

The only place to cure my sadness,
Ironically,
When i'm in the office, surrounded by a bunch of people i would rather call them my friends,
They are just being more than a colleague to me,
They sing, they play songs, they make bad jokes,
They literally make me laugh so hard i can't even remember the emotional pain i was having.

They are just a pain relief to me,
Just like a drug that leads to temporal amnesia,
I can't remember where i was who i am,
But only the fantasy that started to form when you close your eyes,
The galaxy that's beyond earth amazing...

I may be exaggerated slightly,
But the point is,
I couldn't be more thankful for their existence.
Perhaps there's something i will never able to learn,
Or rather willing to, ever,
Something that has eventually costs me my own..


It's like a girl getting her period,
It happens once in a month when i get too emotional and start writing something that people won't understand.

We used to be so close,
And now,
We are worse than being a stranger to each other,
At least,
A stranger would smile and say Hi to you when you both exchange glances...

That's life.
We end up trying every possible way,
just to avoid bumping each other.
Maybe,
Moving away,
Is the best thing we can do,
And i believe,
It's for the best.
.

Sometimes,
I find comfort in being alone outside,
I travel alone,
I go out alone,
I drive alone with no direction in the middle of night,
I find a coffee shop and can sit there all day long, all alone,
And now i can say,
I'm just so used to being alone...

That Dream

I just don't understand why,
I am still thinking and dreaming about you all the time. It hurts me so badly in the dream and being pulled back to reality with eyes full of tears the moment i awake each morning.

The same subject we are talking about each time you appear in my dream...
Am wondering,
Is that a good sign or just something i always think about to kill the emptiness inside me?

That feeling of we will never talk and meet each other anymore...