Because i always have problems dealing with night-time depression.
For a second i thought i have done dealing with all this shyits that have been going on for too long- i'm wrong. Physically wise I don't feel any less of a woman ( except for my flat chest i get frustrated at times for not being able to fit into my favorite dress ) besides that, i'm happy with what i have to live with or without.
To contradict myself, oftentimes i find there's so many things around me making me feel bad about myself. I'm just too focused on how i am perceived by others and constantly make changes to live up to that expectation - even if i have to change myself to someone i am not. Especially when it comes to comparing yourself to someone who seem to have it all - that's when you start to doubt yourself, your capability, everything you see, and everything you feel. You question yourself, why do people love you? What makes them stay when you feel absolutely nothing good about yourself? Why are you going through the challenges that others don't have to go through?
Getting so caught up with your own problems you feel completely low that you totally forget all the wonderful things about yourself no matter how people keep telling you that you're way better than you think - beautiful, smart, capable
they are just too kind to embarrass me.
I forget since when i have become very fond of comparing myself to those i think they have everything i need to feel good about myself. Being so uptight and obsessed with it, i'm now completely consumed with anxiety, dwelling on my own issues and about things that are out of control until the point i feel that i have absolutely nothing in life to live for. I have suffered from severe low self-esteem - I act like i'm strong I just don't want to seem bitter to others. Not only that, i'm having an inferiority complex, the critical stage now since the beginning it gradually moving from stage to stage. I thought getting into a new relationship would help but obviously i'm proven wrong. Oh no don't get it wrongly i love the man i'm with right now but the inner part of myself still battling with depression i just can't help.
This part of me ( and many parts ) i haven't had the chance to show him just yet fearing it would put a damper on the relationship. Part of the reasons being in this whole new relationship is to save myself from messing my own life even further. I never thought i could fall in love again when i can't even find a reason to love myself for who i am. I lie to myself all the time. I clearly know that i'm not the person i think i am. "You have to be confident to become more lovable". I'm the total opposite. I'm just getting tired of acting like i'm fine when i'm not. I'm being afraid to thoroughly unfold myself because I don't think anyone can put up with all my dramatic behavior in a relationship -
Until the day they can't stand it any longer, they leave.
I was fortuitous that i met the man i'm currently with because he physically and emotionally separate myself from all the things that are keeping me stuck inside my obsessive mind giving me more reasons to breathe and dream again.
I am guessing that nothing else i could really do other than writing it down to make myself feel a little better.
They will forever remain in my baggage,
Until the day i learn how to love and accept myself for who i really am.
Maybe you see it, you just find it hard to reveal the real me for me to face the reality.
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