THOUGHT : THE PHONY ME

I'm here again tonight, just when i thought i should have by now feeling more better about myself after the short escape from the hermit shell i've been self-confined in - I'm not. I can't really explain that kinda bitter feeling that my heart constantly feeds me, and now, bringing it to a whole new level of inferiority fearing that others might never see me the way as i see myself again. Or, i don't know, maybe i'm just seeing myself as someone people don't see and think the same way i think i am all the while.

I came across this statement while scrolling down my news feed that got my full attention :

"Look, i can be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and i am.I can have the most beautiful daughter in the world, and i have that.But, I'm nothing if i can't be me. If i can't be true to myself, they don't mean anything."

It's not the Bruce Jenner's transformation that i'm all concerned about.
The words just hit the nail to my current thought i can relate.
I just realized i haven't really changed a bit from what i have promised myself to do since long ago.

I might look detached and not giving a damn about the world but deep inside my heart, i really do, and at times it can be worse.

Maybe i need to know more about myself.
The first step to start with, is to identify the real enemy, yeah, myself. And now what?
Sometimes i just find myself already at this point where i don't give an F about nothing.
I can't bring myself to deal with doubting myself anymore.
All i ever feel is i have spent this 26 years i've been alive doing all the things to make myself more likable living up to others standard that makes me question myself the purpose of living when i'm starting to lose myself from what i really am - yes, i notice the overly obvious changes i've made to shine.

I'm all the while living my life blindfolded. I created this own phony world of my own because i don't like the one that i belong to. To gain something, you have to give up something and in my case, i sacrifice my own happiness hoping for something in return. Efforts sort of  paid off, I'm just being realistic to consistently keep up with the changing expectations of this society until the point i find myself hardly cope with the changing patterns any longer.

Everything is just...moving too fast.
I'm officially defeated.

To wrap this up,
I made myself a person the society wants them to be,
I just can't afford to lose myself any further.

If you found some slight changes on me, better or worse,
Please buy me a present,
That may be a good sign.

No don't get me wrong, i'm not depressed,
I just need a few shots of tequila to keep me happy.
No, i don't drink,
It just something i could think of to capture my feelings in words.

I've now got 15 minutes to go before the amnesia takes over.
And I'm now patiently waiting...