The sleepless night

I was one of the sleepless tonight. Some thoughts distracted me.

It was the longest night with one of my favorite songs playing through my headphones before my tears break the silence. Usually the emotions are quite controllable but not in this particular vulnerable night. It comes to a breaking point of knowing how capable myself is to have made through the past one year and still working on it by not being caught up in such misery, that was the time when i have wasted my time struggling in the losing battle, well, a year ago.

I finally broke down, tonight.

I am able to laugh at the jokes, the conversations, cartoons, songs, pictures and so on. Thank god eventually. When i say laugh, i mean, physically. Why? because each time when i laugh i'd pause for a moment and ask myself, am i really feel happy at this point in time? As i look deeper within myself, something is really missing. The incompleteness is indescribable. Something is literally missing inside.

But, i would like to thank everyone who has ever been there for me during my hardest time and has physically and emotionally backing me up with all sincerity. At least i have already won a little in the battle, by having all the supports and encouragements from everyone who sincerely cares. My courage, my love, and my confidence return because of the warmth from every single individual i was given when i was severely lacking one of those.

I normally filled my downtime by listening to some RnBs (same goes to this night) and will try every possible way to not let the lonely defeats me, probably, anymore, which is, impossible. It's not easy to act like i'm fine just to avoid myself seem bitter because truthfully, the fact of the matter is, i was never happy. I'm still at the middle of recovering from depression because of the tangled up issues happened over a year ago. It was a combination of friendship, relationship, family, and future that causing the general unease. It took a whole lot of courage to finally admit my true feeling even after a year. I had a very emotional day that i am having a hard time to explain how it happened.

At least, i'm not alone.