Hello 2017

A slow and windy morning. Waking to the sound of bird chirping on the big, comfy cloud before his alarm goes off. Wrapped in a blanket and watched the bright ray of sunlight peak through the glass window as I began pulling the curtains while I know I am blessed beyond blessed beyond blessed beyond blessed beyond measure, again, to be able to get a peaceful night's sleep for another night.

The stress-free days like today are absolutely the best, with his gentle snoring at my side. Touching him softly on his cheek and he stirred in his sleep as I kissed him on the lips.
"Good morning darling."  He whispered.

******

The past year has been an absolute whirlwind, and I am eternally grateful for all the wonderful things I've been given even when times are tough. I thank god for the things that went wrong, for me to learn the way to fight discouragement with appreciation, and most importantly learning to live my life a quarter mile at a time - the best way to guarantee a day of happiness.

When you're racing along the road at 180 km/h focusing too much on reaching the destination you don't have time to notice the details in your surrounding landscape. I love everything that I have been given, but sometimes we have to remember to pause, and remember all the good things we have when life gets hard. Things in life don't go exactly as planned. It's in these moments we need to stop taking things for granted, and breathe. Take a minute for the things you're blessed with, find the things to be thankful for  : Love, Health, Family.

Hopefully I'll come back with more updates on my life in 2017.

Till then,

Me

THOUGHTS : INNER PEACE

I’ve always wanted to start something new without myself being around. When I mention ‘myself’ in the sentence, I mean the ME who have lack of motivation and full of self doubt in making the first move to give something new a try. Like, anything, Literally.

I was brought up to believe that everything happens for a reason. God always has a better plan for us when things fall apart. But then, plans don’t matter, execution does. Nothing will happen with an idea or a great plan if you are not able to execute.

It’s so pathetic, I could have a long list of dreams and all gone in a second thinking of how comfortable already I am hiding into the four walls and one roof I put myself in over these years.  It feels like, I’m in a haze feeling like there’s no place in this world where I can belong. I might as well just sit and wait for another opportunity to come. Can anyone relate?

I’m still standing at the start line of a race when everyone else almost reaching the finish line. People are changing, they are evolving as they reaching, at least they are going forward into the future they dream to have. 

Then, to feel good about themselves everyone’s trying every possible way to hide their own faults and insecurities, including their true-self by making everyone else around them less than they think they are. So we lie. We lie about every single thing that would potentially make us feel less of a person. No one likes the idea of being defeated. Everybody wants to win, wants to be on top of others living up to the standard of society. 

Reflecting upon this year I’m literally wasting my time because all i know I’m not learning anything new - Or maybe i'm the one who don't take any initiative to make a step forward. I’m turning 28 and my life looks nothing like I expected – uhh how I finally woke up from living the wrong life. Sometimes we should just allow our intuition to guide us, forgetting about the reality, knowing that there must be another way out when things doesn’t go your way. 

Then it dawned upon me - If you don’t get something you wanted or you thought you deserve, then try your luck elsewhere - Just because everyone sees the same person differently. There’s certainly something about you is what other people looking for even if there’s a few disapprove of you. 

 Well, it seems Ive had a bunch to learn on inner peace, and im still learning.

Till then...

  

THOUGHT : RANDOM

It's 5.30 am. 

After 6 hours of sleep, i am welcomed by sparkling moonlight glowing in the dark and the promise of a beautiful morning to kick start my day. 

Thank God for the gift of another good night's sleep. 

If i choose to shut my eyes to the things happening around me, THAT FEELING still uncontrollably seeps in. 

But then I believe that if I am too small to make any sort of lasting change for my comfort,

I'd choose to just rely on my gut feeling and let go of the incessant worry.

Then i realized, 

It starts with me. 

So I start with myself, finding what anger and disappointment lives in me and eradicating it piece by piece. 

Gradually, things start boiling inside me. I'm burning up with anger when i finally express my emotions, then it explodes. 

Otherwise, resentment continues. 

I often have a very long thought provoking conversations with myself.

I thought i was wrong, then no, i was right, but then again, maybe i was wrong, but then i realize again i am certainly not the only one who'd end up reacting this way to a situation that's happening.  

Well, I've had a bunch to learn on inner peace. 

As for now, let's continue to be grateful for being able to sleep soundly for more than five hours every night. 

ONCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, ONCE I WAS

Once I was 7 years old, 

I was like some other kids who dread going to school pretty much every single day. I remember I have this one girl in my class, since I will always consider the one I spend my most time with to be my “best friend” but I’m pretty sure I was not hers. I couldn’t remember the details of why she didn’t feel the same and yeah it’s true that she was the one I first met and made friends with in the class but doesn’t mean that I have to borrow or rather “give” her whatever new stationery I kept in my small little wooden pencil box that I find it too cool for a student at my age.  
I hope all the mosquitoes come and fly at your ear with their high pitch annoying buzzing sound every night when you sleep.
Once I was 7 years old.

Once I was 10 years old, 

My teacher told me, “ Stop being violent or you’ll be grounded for the rest of the year”. During my first 3 years of primary I was with this teacher who didn’t quite like me and I got grounded by being ‘violent’ – yeah you read it correctly - just because I was having a small fight with this girl who ‘borrowed and later claimed that it’s hers’ my black mechanical pencil my mom bought for me a day before. I ended up sitting in front of the class at the top left corner which I don’t think it’s a logical move for punishment, never. Imagine when we were told to copy down whatever written on the blackboard. No, I didn’t get my pencil back and will never be.
I still remember your name you little thief and and i'll keep it until the judgment day comes. 

Once I was 15 years old, 

I was the one that being picked on during my first 2 years in this girls highschool, probably because I don’t have this chubby face bigger eyes good grades or whatever you need to have to get popular in school – I have crooked teeth with braces, old school glasses with the string attached to each side, somewhat 'burnt'' yeah i mean dark, very skinny, and very tall.  So again I made friends with this girl who was sitting next to me in the class whom I considered as “my another best friend” which I later found out her sister was one of the biggest gangster in school that everyone scares to mess up with. As how the dramatic scene often shown in the movie I was threatened by her sister to beat me up because she received a complaint from her sister aka “my best friend” that I didn’t buy her the zodiac tarot cards that I WASN’T even asked to.

If this can be an issue try la imagine my life getting stuck with her in the same class for the good 3 years.

Go take the elevator to the 15th floor and jump. Please.

Once I was 20 years old, 

Everybody told me “You’ll be meeting your first love when you get into college.” Trust me, 5 years of being stuck in the girls school is beyond enough. I became a different person and the centre of attention for some reason when I first joined.  I started wearing contacts, kissed my braces goodbye, re-gained my lost confidence by being selected as top 10 finalists for whatever event they were organizing during my first year in college. Lucky bitch.

Finally, my time has come.

Ive learned a new thing during my life in college.  If there’s no chemistry in between, there isn’t. Don’t feel sorry for all the guys you have ever rejected.  

Made friends with a lot of interesting people, showered with love, attention given by friends ( hurm I mean all my crush ). Yes, I love my college life.

When i was 24 years old, 

I always had that dream, to go live and work abroad all by my own, cause I know I love going outside travelling all around the world to feed my curiosity, again yes, by myself. 

The first heart break is always the worst, I’m so glad I’ve experienced it because as cliché as it may sound, what doesn’t kill you by all means making you grow stronger.

Soon I’ll be 35 years old, 

Im still learning about life, wondering if I will end up sharing my future with the one that I love, wondering if I ever had opportunity to spend my new year eve counting down in NYC watching the Time Square balldrop while kissing the one I love as the snow begins to fall from the sky.

Soon we will be 50 years old,

my best friend once told me “ we will still go for a morning jog every morning or we will be getting free breakfast from those who bail on us. “ Girls I hope you are sure and you remember our promises as we get older.

Soon I will be 60 years old, 

I wish you can still put your arm around me and give me a kiss on my forehead like how you did for the first time, reminiscing about the good old days we have shared on the front porch of our little house with our grandchildren running and chasing each other as the sky slowly turns dark.

Soon I will be 60 years old

“ Will you still be mine when we are both 60 years old ? “

Once i was 7 years old.

That's my version of 7 years.

7 years - Lukas Graham

THOUGHTS : PERCEPTION VS REALITY

Words will never be enough to describe the feeling i'm having inside at this very moment.

Nestling in an amazing coffee shop,
yeah, by myself.
I love to be alone still, something that's hard to do when you're busy with work and him.
So today i'm left to my own space,
To-finally have time to breath for a minute.

****

I awoke to a peaceful morning,
Knowing that i have this whole day to myself,
I took my time, i relished.
Most importantly,
I revived.

Flashing slowly on and off,
With a cup of my favorite morning refreshment at this small little corner of the shop on my own,
I sip, and think.
Immediately i'm hit by a series of thoughts that drag me into the reality,

 Did the reality perceive the same as the world i thought i lived in?

You fear of being weird, being left out when you can't follow the crowd or fit into their box so you spend your life trying to fit in, doing things against your will trying to please others, giving them the generic responses to receive approval from the society you wish to belong to.

So you sacrifice yourself,
To live in their dreams,
You change yourself.
You created this monster out of your own and continue to create more to be accepted and survive in a place you think how the world thinks we should be.

You created this whole thought where they didn't like you because they thought you were boring, stupid, not special.

Now you're worried.

You try to be that person you feel you should be so you try every possible way to blend in to be part of it.

You refuse to be yourself.
You have no self-confidence to do anything.
You're not proud of who you are.
You don't see yourself as good enough anymore.
You feel less and less of everything.
You want to be smarter, prettier, slimmer and better in some way to shine through the others and most importantly,
To be accepted.
You're restricted,
You're tired of acting like one of them when you're not and you ruin it all in that moment.
You feel the pressure to fit in the crowd.
You just can't be the person you want to be because of the environment they grow up in and those things they are born with you have to live without.
You know to that certain extent you gotta accept that you can never become the person you wish to become.

Is it me myself who's creating all these perceptions of reality?
Or is it what reality really is from how we perceive it to be?


What am i and what do i live for?

THOUGHT : COMPARATIVE FEELINGS

Again, someone shared something to me tonight and that somehow triggered a strong memory. This is so exhausting and it bothers me a lot i want to just keep my life simple and not think about what i could have done to change things from the past. I wish i could stop time. Truth is, it will never be again what it was. The thing is, he made it hard for me to see the light in myself no matter how strong and bright they were before. It happens too often, one day you're the happiest person ever and the next day you find yourself feeling so low and hating yourself for whatever reason.  It's not the worst kind of self-hatred anyway, but i don't ever want to make comparison and feel like i'm in a haze where nothing is important to me in the current life i'm leading.


It's just so hard to keep all the negative feelings at a distance.


I just don't see myself as good enough to just focus on what truly matters to me. Instead, i care too much about what's going on around me and as absurd as it may sound, their opinions,  and that's a killer weapon that would easily affect the choices and decisions i make in life. Everyone can just easily hate what they don't know, they dislike you, they judge you, and they hate you without any apparent reason. You feel low, depressed, isolated, and you allow your emotions to be affected, you allow it to happen, and it will continue making you feel even more difficult to feel better about yourself, keep thinking of what you could've done to alter things for the better, to what you think it supposed to be after you've wasted all the opportunities and chances to be what you wanted to be.

Oftentimes we wish to have and be like others, so we compare ourselves to someone who has all the qualities and that kind of life we admire, and we strive to make ourselves achieve better success in all ways.


Here, the jealous thoughts and feelings creep in.


You feel insecure about yourself, starting to blame yourself. You let your ego get ahead of you, sabotaging your current life forcing and pushing yourself beyond your limits. You're trapped in your own comparative thoughts. You just can't seem to focus anymore.


You lose everything, including yourself.  


You don't know what to do anymore. You achieve nothing in your life.
"If you feel low about yourself you have to do something about it." Rachel said.


I hope i have the courage to start all over again and start focusing on myself to what i really want to do.


And that's just my own wishful thinking.

THOUGHT : A BRAND NEW 2016

Has it really been 3 months since my last post? Shame on me. Reflecting back on my past year i'm psychologically flooded with memories and emotions, and i have so much to be thankful for. As the days grow even shorter and we are entering the 3rd month of the year, my only hope for this brand new year is to be more persistent in achieving my goals, find balance in my life leaving space for those i truly care about, and stop taking every single thing for granted because as dramatic as it may sound, i'm already 27 i feel like i have wasted my whole life living the opposite way of how i wanted. 

Things were so different back then. We can just simply avoid things that scare us believing that we are not old enough to deal with all kind of stress. As we grow older we are afraid of the unknown, and we refuse to change, fear of things being different from how we liked them. I'm not expecting this year to be any different but we shall learn how to start diverting the focus from ego driven perspective to what's truly valuable in life - love, joy and experience. don't obsess about what other people think and feel about you and most importantly, embrace your flaws and accept yourself for who you are.  

Hope everyone had a wonderful Chinese New Year celebration in their respective corner of the world.